You're my sweet charade

i miss writing poetry.

well ive been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a godo christian and how i should live and how incredibly hard i know its going to be living in the society that our culture has developed today. and i feel like im going to be really tested- new things are gonan pop up that i wont have a clue about, and so ive been trying to really focus and figure out what i want in life, what i think i need in life. and ive been working on making friends all over the place and its put e way up on cloud nine- i mean, not only is it obvioulsy confidence boosting but its really enforcing the fact that i should knwo who i am and i how i kind of fi tin with the world. or dont.

anyway, i know that was realyl deep just now but im in a really deep mood lately and i want to write all about what mr. ball matt balls dad said last night at the youth group we organized at their house. i mean, he told us his testimony. his own personal private coming-to-god story. not many people will willingly bare themselves like that to people they dont know very well. and so not only was his story absolutely mind-blowing but i couldnt get over just how powerful godreally was in his life. not only when he was saved, but the fact that this man was so strong in his faith that he told us his stroy, all great and over-the-top aspect of it. so then i was thinking that he todl that story for a reason, of course, cuz im in the state of mind that everthing happens for a reason and god doesnt just throw things your way to se ehow you handle them but to teach you something or show you something about yourself that you never knew. and so i jsut sat there completely awestuck about how god was using other peopel around me righ tthen and there. and it just amazed me.

any way i want to write more later on but i cant right now cuz my moms right here and i cant really focus/think that well right now anyway.

but i really do want to continue.

and my back hurts. hmm. maybe i'l just go to bed.

im so so so so so nervous about startingn swimming tomorrow, i need to pary about that tonight. oh gosh, why am i so nervous? whhyyy??

i feel like im nervous about everything now. but its an exhilerating kind of nervous. the kind of nervous that i want to dominate, you know? i like the feeling of challening myself like that- proving that i dont need to be anxious, that everything, despite however i feel right now, will work out and be ok in the end. thats what i need to be telling myself: "we're all ok"

thank you jewel.

and i know god lives, i see him alive and living in so many people in my life and i thin ktahts just wonderful and i cant get over it for even a second.

So if I should ever fall and get caught in a hustle
Let them know that I died while I fought in a struggle
From the hoodrats to the rich kids lost in a bubble
Spray Painting on the streets and at the subway tunnels
Write it down and remember that we never gave in
The Mind of a child is where the revolution begins
So if the solution has never been to look in yourself
How is it that you expect to find it anywhere else

Trying to fight the system from inside, eventually corrupts you
But thats what you get when you put a corporation above you
And it's the people that love you that seem to hurt you the most
Sometimes when they die you find yourself cursing their ghost
But you make success, nobody delivers your fate
Sometimes you give and you take


The things I've seen in life will make you choke by suprise
Like an aborted fetus in a jar that opened it's eyes
Provoking my demise, I'll leave your spirit broken inside
Like the feeling of 50 million people hoping you'd die
And niggaz wonder why my heart is filled of hatred an anger
Cause some bitch killed my first born son with a coat hanger
I strangled out the pain until my soul was empty was cold
Crippled and worthless, so I thought that it could never be sold
My mother told me that placing my faith in God was the answer
But then I hated God cause he gave my mother cancer
Killing us slow like the Feds did to the Blank Panthers
The genesis of genocide is like a Pagan religion
Carefully hidden, woven into the holidays of a Christian
I had a vision of nuclear holocaust on top of me
And this is prophecy, the words that I speak from my lungs
The severed head of John the Baptist speaking in tongues
Like "Che Guevara" my soliloquies speak to a gun
Paint in slow motion like trees that reach for the sun
Nigga the preaching is done cause I don't got a DJ
Like Reverond Run, I curse the life of any man who kills
Benevolent ones, I never asked to be the messenger
But I was chosen to speak the words of every African slave
Dumped in the ocean, stolen by America
Tortured, buried, and frozen written out of the history books
Your children are holding, internally bleeding, cold blooded
Stripped of emotion, I go through the motions, but there's no
Life in my eyes, it's like I'm hooked up to a respirator
Waiting to die, hooked up to the fucking chair
Waiting to fry, sooth an electrocution currently used
In my execution, producing thoughts at the speed of light
Burning confusion, I'm loosing my sight, breathing is tight
The evening is white, I made my peace with the Lord and now I
Stand on his right..

Death is a another part of life..
These are my last words, I'm having difficultly breathing
Dying on the inside, internally bleeding
Angel of death dragging me away while I'm sleeping
Watching my world crumble in front of me, searching for meaning

ok so, sweet.

hope everybody had a good thanksgiving, or, at least a little more eventful than mine. oh well, next years will be better- im not letting my mom drag me up to maine to see people who arent even all that social and ive met twice in my lifetime even if they are my greatgrandparents/grand(?) aunt & uncle.

the football game was a good time- i saw a bunch of people, watched the game which ipswich won before the first half even.

ummm, yeah. spent last night with a bunch of new hamilton friends who are soo cool- very funny and friendly anddd i def want to hang out with them somemore, im worried they think im lame though gaahhh. but yeah- hopefulyl enxt weeknd (or, the next weekend we hang out) we'll find something to do other than drive around not to say that wasnt fun- it was a blast.

school is beyond dull right now, every senior i know is planning for college and getting psyched (or completely not) about applications and wrapping high school up by february when they'll be able to just cruise through the remaining few months, meanwhile us juniors will be slaving over our work to raise our GPAs and create impressive high schol transcripts. sweet life. well, im not going to be one of them hahah- im taking no honors classes, not even hard classes or anything. as if chorus, health and SAT prep are actually graded. SAT prep is one of those classes you thin kyoure really gonna enjoy and be challenged in because the teacher will have a lotto say to prepare you for it- but ends up being so dissapointing. ok, mrs.welch= wonnnderful woman, very funny, knows that shes talking about (usually), but either way too trusting or not very responsible. shes nevver there which means that anybody whos taking the clas just because they didnt want to take gym instead is blasting their music and talking and throwing things and goofing off- which im completely for but im not even half awake yet in 730 in the morning, plus i dont want to hear about how stoned/drunk you were the entire weekend- its not impressive to me i think its siick.

yeah ok well i guess i really needed to vent about that? hmm yeah.

well my computors being all screwy which stinks because i hate to tell dan that its not working right but i thought it was just that my powercord broke which isnt too bad- just head off to the apple store and buy a new one. except the only reason i think if would be broken is because the end of it- the metal part that fits into the compoutor was bent annd i pretty much fixed it and bent it all back but maybs just not enough because it stil wont turn on when the cords in.

whhat a bummer.

i heard a really great song the other day, it was by a flock of seagulls (i only know this because i asked my dad while we were listening to it)

one time. one time ever have i been offered alcohol. that was seventh grade over a friends house. there were three of us there. it was no big thing, no great first experience as in "wow, being introduced to the world of beer and alcohol."

so how is it, that all of a sudden, everybody is drinking?

and why is it that i have not been offfered since? it was a gross beer too, i took 2 sips and thought, ew, this is sickkk- and just not worth my time. so maybe i dont drink cuz i havent found anything tastey enough? maybe people think im lame and dont offer? maybe people think i would never try it again? i havent a clue. any way, in less than a week 6 people around me have, in their own words "gotten a lil' tipsahh" or have started throwing up, yes, legit, throwing up from it.

why is this all-of-a-sudden spur happening??

im starting to realize that the people around me are a lot more into things than i ever anticipated.

so in the meantime i... watch? i cant lecture them on things. but however, i would like to be the one to speak to a certain group of kids that are on my mind right now, as opposed to listen to adults lecture them and tell them why they shouldnt do things- because some reasons stick, and some dont. being a teenager, who, though has only been offered alcohol once, but none-the-less been surrounded by it for a good amount of years now, i have picke dup what things work, and what things dont.

hmm.

its a trend.

this morning when my radio woke up i was actually sleeping! sweet, i got more than five hours of sleep last night! i think i got six, well, anyway...

lynyrd skynyrds "simple man" was on the radio and i forgot what a great song it was, listening to it was so refreshing so now ive got one of their greatest hits cds blaring out the little inch wide speakers somebody installed in this mac. i like the beat of this music. i dono what i like about this music, actually. the other day a friend of mine, well, this was yesterday actually, asked me why i liked a certain tyope of music. and im realizing i made up so lame answer that i like the words or the iguitaqr or something like that when hoenstly, i dont think i have a clue why i like it. i just.. do. i can just tell if its something thats gonna "get me" or not. you how i mean by "get me"? i think my friends roomate does, considering rumor has it he listens to the same song back to back to back all day long if he really likes it. he just LOVES it, its got him hooked, it got him.

wont cha gimmie three steps, gimmie three steps a mista, gimmie three steps towards the door, gimmie three steps, gimmie three steps a mista and youll never see a me no more. oh goodness, how fun.

yesterday i started my day off by lying in my bed for an hour pretedning it was possible for me to fall back asleep. what a waste of an hour. anyway, i had a refreshing 2 hour and 15 (but add 30) minute drive that consisted of only me, the radio, the road, and an occassional slow poke. i threw in my jacks mannequin cd and just listened. how hard it is to just listen to music you know all of the lyrisc too. why is that? i mean, does that happen to everyone else? i mean, i cant even listen to a song without singing along in my head. in order to NOT, i have to tell myself to serperate myself from the song, those are the exact words i say to myself. interesting isnt it? "seperation"

ugh, i dont feel very good. i hope i didnt eat anything gross. well, not gross persay, but, rotten. wow i have a lot on my mind right now. i didnt realize it until last ngiht when i went into newburyport (and bought a red sweatshirt :)) with amanda and will which had the potential to be a lot more awkward. anyway, it was my duty as the third wheel (sort of) to stray away every now and then so they could talk about things, and over by where rd. riccios office used to be, you know, the big parking lot with those huge granite square rocks and trees with little lights in them, that area? well i had to inconspicuously wander around looking at all the shops that had closed three hours and earlier and pretend to be interested in all 20 hours this reealtors office was advertising through their noticibly dirty window. i think i read every word about hard ware floors, the car garages, beautiful views, and newly installed plumbing systems on all 20 papers. there was this really nice one inkittery maine they were advertisting. and well, anyway. fact is i got bored with that window and moved on to one about 50 paces down the street. there was a little 6 by 5 inch dvd player showing a slide show (i think) of dawns this year. the photographer snapped shots of the sun as it was just visible over the horizon (over the ocean, of course) at the same time everyday. it was beautiful. i think i want to do that, only, with a tree. i've been meaning too, only, my idea is to take pictures of the same exact tree on the first day of every month for 3 years. thats my plan. i love trees, maple trees are my absolute fave.



oh yeah, and, has anyone looked up the pyramids in egypt on google earth yet?

well, its 12:45 and i am officially done with the book.

it was just that good that i couldn't NOT finish it tonight. gee, what did it take? 2 hours? no, less than that, i dono. it was sooo goooddd. aww. i just love the writer, bother of her books so far have been just awesome, so realistic, yet, they always have a hollywood ending.

anyway. yes, it really gets inside a girls head and shows things from a true perspective. 260 pages in less than two hours. woo hoo. but then again, there wasnt much writing on each page.

how is it, that we can feel like we loose something without ever having it? does that make sense? i know people have wondered this before me, yet, it never ceases to amaze me that no one has found a satisfying answer. i mean, its so strange, really, to see something one way, only to find out another person doesn't see that same way at all. and i mean, why be dissaopinted about it, after all its all about different view points. its so so hard to try and explain and express all of this without revealing too much. im trying to turn less into a less personal and more broad scope of thinking. i dono, maybe its not working very well and even if this entry doesnt make sense it just goes to show how jumbled up everything is in my mind right now.

why am i down? why am i so dissapointed? i just dont understand it. i guess its because i have a hard time figuring things out- im so paranoid and need to know everything and understand everything that ive been overwhelmingly DEPENDANT on my view and my interpretation of things- that is to say, when i realize im wrong its the end of the world because now i dont no what to think .its suddenly realizing everything youve been planning your life around is suddenly completely wrong, meaning- things need to change. its shoking to find youve been living a lie, wouldnt you say? ok, perhaps im being a litle dramatic, just think of what i explained to you- only, on a smaller scale- thats basically how i feel.

i went to a book store today, and bought a prequel (possibly spelled wrong) to a book i read last year. the one i bought today is titled "things my mother doesnt know" and it comes before "that hideous book where the mother dies." the reason i like them so much is because theyre written in prose. ironic eh? just yseterday i was craving prose, i was craving poetic explinations and depictions of everyday life. gods really been watching out for me lately, i know it even by seeing something as small as supplying me with something i felt i needed- a good, well-written book. im hoping that once i start reading again, i mean really reading and trying ot comprehend, ill feel a little bit more secure about my own life- ill be preoccupied and stop worrying about things so much. i'll keep you updated on how its going.

i'd just like to quote a couple things, im only 20 pages into it or so, but anyway:

"we fall into step
in the crowded hall
without even glancing
at each other,

but his little finger
finds mine,
hooking us
together,

and all the clatter
of the corridor fades away
till the only sound i can hear
is the whispering of our fingers."

andd on page 66..
"i wish i could drink a magic potion and
shrink way down till i was small
enough to fit right into his
shirt pocket and live
there tucked near to
his heart listening
to it beating in
rhythm with
mine every
minute of
every
day."
(its meant to be a triangle... except i cant show it easily on the computor)


"hes drawing my nose.
im drawing his mouth.

hes drawing my mouth.
im drawing his nose.

hes drawing my eyes.
im drawing his eyes,

and suddenly i notice
that theyre smiling into mine.

so i let my eyes
smile back at his,

and no one sees
but us."

// posted by RACH @ 11:21 PM 2 comments

so, without revealing too much of myself, i think im finally starting to understand myselfa little bit more. have you ever done something, and wondered in retrospect why you'd done it? like, what made you commmit that, follow through on that action, or say that? well, ive made some decisions in my past that i never quite understood, i couldnt figure out why exactly i felt a certain way, but talking to one of my friends the other day sparked some thinking and i think i've latched onto something, at least, a little relevant- possibly?

i like ot help people. i liek to raise them up and inspire them to be all that they can be. live out their dreams. set goals that are aboe the clouds. make them feel priceless, make them feel like they can do anything, be anything, and feel anything. i would be willing to do anything to make that possible- for anybody. i guess its just that i have such faith in people, in humans, to want to be themselves and do everything they want. call me naive, call optimism a fault, but i really do believe that what your life is about is making yourself and others feel great, all the time. i would die for anybody if i knew that through my death they would gain self-respect, complete understanding of themselves. i'm not kidding. and i guess its wierd sometimes when people say "aw your so cute, youre so sweet, youre always so nice to everybody" when,i just want to say "whats so special about that? dont set me higher than anybody else just because im nice to people all the time, i feel like im just doing my job as a person." i hate hate feeling better than other people, i never like seeing anybody- much less CAUSING anybody to be in pain, feel bad about themselves, feel unimportant. because, you see, EVERYBODY is important, even if you dont realize it, everyone is inspiring in some way and has abilities that can provoke change in the world. so, a lot of time, if i ever feel like im being too nice, or if i feel like people are looking up to me, i'll do just about anything to lower myself back down. cause flaws purposefully because i want to be like other people, i want people to see hey im human too- im not happy all the time even though you say i am. only my closest friends would know what i mean when i say i do things to cause imperfection. its wierd, sometimes i get so caught up in everybody elses lives i start to loose track of my own, and its hard. it hurts so bad when you start feeling everybody elses pain. you wan tot help so bad, and you wear yourself out and push your own needs aside and become so selfless that you loose who you are. not knowing who you are, what you're doing, or who you want to be is one of the worst feelings in the world cuz you've lost the knowledge of how to handle situations, you no longer know how to live your life. i blame myself for getting so caught up and trying too hard to be nice that i, in a way, punish myself for it. i get so frusterated with myslf because i feel too deeply and put myself, CAUSE depression. does this make any sense at all? that one of the seemingly most spirited, optimistic, helpful , selfless people is also one of the most disoriented, confused, angry, depressed? does this make sense? i feel so stripped right now, as if i just reveald so much to everybody, when i know theres so much more i could have said.

i dont like feel naked around people i dont know. even people i DO know. nobody knows everything about me. nobody. and i dont think i want anybody too. maybe i'll send something into postsecret.com but still, even then, i want to push things down as deep as i can and just forget all about everything i ever metnioned or thought about this topic.

but im still going to post this entry. its so hard too, though.

i guess i just need to start trusting that everything will be ok. when the world is falling down, and it seems like your life is over and theres nothign to stop it, its so important to realize that nothing will ever happen to you that you and god cant handle. sure, you may not be able to handle things on your own, or you may be able to, but god is always there and would never put you through anything he knew you couldnt push through.
one of my favorite passages from the bible is proverbs 16:9
"in his heart a man plans his course
but the lord determines his steps"
He always knows whats going on in your life, in fact, hes a part of everything you go through.

proverbs 3: 3
"let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

proverbs 3: 5
"trust in the lord with all your hearts
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

galatians 6: 9-10
"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people...

romans 12.

Willingly, gladly, joyously handicapped. A mercurial sprinter happily tying a bag of cement to his left leg so he can race with fairness to the competition, because he loves the race, not the winning.

Love can do that. It can make you dull those savage aspects of your nature so you become more nakedly ready to accept goodness from your love-partner. It is even more pro-survival, if one accepts the theory that life is a string of boredoms, getting-alongs, sadnesses and just plain nothing-happening times, broken up by gleaming pearls of happiness that get us through the crummy stretches on that string.

Weakness becomes strength.

(Harlan Ellison: introduction to Love Ain’t Nothing But Sex Misspelled)


We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent, and witty as we are ugly, stupid, and dull. But what if such a perfect being should one day turn around and decide they will love us back? We can only be somewhat shocked—how can they be as wonderful as we had hoped when they have the bad taste to approve of someone like us? If, in order to love, we just believe that the beloved surpasses us in some way, does not a cruel paradox emerge when they return that love? We are led to ask, “If s/he really is so wonderful, how is it possible that s/he could love someone like me?”

(Alain de Botton: On Love)

ok, ben and i broke up. its ok though, i mean, sure im sad, sure im lonely? who wouldnt be after breaking up with somebody you went out with for officially 9 months to the day, but seemingly even longer than that? no pity though, our relationship kind of dwindled down towards the end of it- we both knew it wasnt like it used to be anyway, and were a little bit dissapointed with how unable we were to keep things going. ben and i came to a mutual decision that had been on our minds, come to find out, for quite sometime.

whats really great is that im starting to accept that everything happens for a reason. call me cliche, but i try to look for signs and messages in my life. call me corny, but i feel like god is trying to get messages to me all the time. i ask him for help, and he helps me- though sometimes i may not have a clue. he sends clues all over the place and its up to us to find them out. mine and bens relationship was something i couldnt figure out for the life of me. i felt like god was either testing me, or telling me. saying it should end, or testing me to see how far we could hang on. i guess it was the first one. i think andrews right, maybe i am a littlel superstious about my life. ive never really liked not knowing things, the future stresses me out, though most people may not realize it. i appear to be a fun carefree somebody who loves to be spontaneious but i think what im afraid of is that whenever im done with a certain phase, aka highschool, im going to be completely unprepared and have no idea what step to take next, you know? or i cant figure out whats best for me even right now, so gods been helping me through that a lot lately. im so glad he made the relationship clear because it was driving me nuts for so long and i had no idea what to do about it.

also, for some reason i have yet to figure out, ive been hanging out and getting to know will a lot lately. weve been getting together to watch movies, east icecream, just talk, and run errands, is that wierd? hahah, i dont know, nor do oi care. its fun. tonight we went ot barnes and noble. im desperately trying to figure out what gods plannign for me right now, i havent a clue. why is he sending me will? or, am i being sent to will? i mean, with ben, i feel like ben was kind of sent ot me, because there were so many positive things ive taken away from our friendship/relationship. so, how is god using will in my life? i know this is a really deep topic but i read the bible for i dont know how long sunday night after i got home from talking with ben, anyway, it was over an hour and i found a few passages in particular that reminded how god is always with his sons and daughters, how we should trust, and look to him for how our lives should be. im hoping to take careful consideration now to draw out everything god wants me to know in each situation i go through everyday.

wish me luck, i hope you think about doing the same.

oh yeah, i'll keep you updated on why i think will and i's friendship is growing. i have some ideas, maybe gods just trying to help me get on with developing friendships with people who im going ot need in the future, he wants me to remember what its like to feel like i have a best friend. i dono. maybe hes reminding me of al the relationship advice ive ever given out, because being wils friend calls for having some handy thoughts about how to handle relationships [thats all i'll say will, dont worry].

im going to look up some realyl great quotes from a book i read last year, because i miss them.