6.28.2007
irrisistible revolution
p 48. back at college, i had asked one of my bible teachers if he still believed in miracles, like when jesus fed thousands of people with a couple of fishes and a handful of loaves. and i wondered if god was still into that stuff. i wanted miracles to be normal again. he told me that we have insulated ourselves from miracles. we no longer live with such reckless faith that we need them. there is rarely room for the transcendent in our lives. if we get sick, we go to a doctor. if we need food, we go to a store and buy it. we have eliminated the need for miracles. if we had enough faith to depend on god like the lilies and the sparrows do, we would see miracles. for is it not a miracle that the birds find enough worms each day? he was right. on the streets of philly, we experienced miracles. we would wake up sometimes with a blanket on us or a meal beside us that wasnt there when we went to sleep. other moments were so mystical im scared to try to crystallize them on paper lest you think im nuts... or even worse, that im a saint or televangelist. its enough to say i just wanted to be safe for god to trust with those little secrets that god seems to reserve for the weak and the destitute.
p 123. we preach, prophesy, and dream together about how to awaken the church from her voilent slumber. sometimes we speak to change the world; other times we speak to keep the world from changing us. we are about ending poverty, not simply managing it. we give people fish. we teach them to fish. we tear down the walls that have been built up around the fish pond. and we figure out who polluted it.
we fight terrorism- the terrorism within each of us, the terrorism of corporate greed, of american consumerism, of war. we are not pacifist hippies but passionate lovers who abhor passivity and violence. we spend our lives actively resisting everything that destroys life, whether that be terrorism of the war on terrorism. we try to make the world safe, knowing that the world will never be safe as long as millions live in poverty so the fewcan live as they wish. we believe in another way of life-the kingdom of god-which stands in opposition to the prinicpalities, powers, and rulers of this dark world.
p 134. once we get past the rebellious or reactive countercultural paradigm and muster up the courage to try living in new ways, most of us find that community if very natural and makes a lot of sense, and that it is not as foregin to most of the world as it is to us. community is what we are created for. we are made in the image of god who is community, a plurality of oneness. when the first human was made, thiings were not good until there was two, helping one another.
but that doesnt mean community is easy. for everything in this world tries to push us away from community, pushes us to choose ourselves over others, to choose independence over interdependence, to choose great things over small things, to choose going fast alone over going far together. the simple way is not the easy way. one of the things i think jesus is doing is setting us free from the heavy yoke of an oppresive way of life. i know plenty of people, both rich and poor, who are suffocating from the weight of the american dream, who find themselves heavily burdened by the lifeless toil and consumption we put upon ourselves. this is the yoke we are being set free from. the new yoke is still not easy, but we carry it together, and it is good and leads us to rest, espeically for the weariest traveler.
in fact, if our lives are easy, we must be doing something wrong. momma t used to say "following jesus is simple, but not easy. love until it hurts, and then love more." my friend brooke, with whom i went to india and later started the Simple Way, used to have the words "simple ubt not easy" painted on her wall. dorthy day of the catholic worker movement understood this as well. she said "love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer. this love is not sentimental but heartwrenching, the most difficult and the most beautiful thing in the world.
p 198. this burst of nationalism reveals the deep longing we all have for community, a natural thirst for intimacy that liberals and progressive christians would have done much better to acknowledge. september 11th shattered the self-sufficent, autonomous individual, and we saw a community= for the people to cry with, be angry with, to suffer with. people did not want to be alone in their sorrow, rage, and fear. but what happened after september 11th broke my heart. conservative christians rallied around the drums of war. liberal christians took to the streets. the cross was smothered by the flag and trampled under the feet of angry protesters. the church community was lost, so the many hungry seekers found community in the civic religion of american patriotism. people were hurting and crying out for healing, for salvation in the best sense of the word, as in the salve with which you dress a wound. a people longing for a savior placed their faith in the fragile hands of human logic and military strength, which have always let us down. they have always fallen short of the glory of god.
p 203. violence is always rooted in a myopic sense of community, whether it be nationalism or gangs. we long for people to fight with, mourn with, and celebrate with.martin luther king sense this myopia both in the ghettos and in the vietnam war and longed for our vision to be broader than our fam or our country. as king said, we are bound by alliegences and loyalties which are broader and deeper than nationalism.... this call for a worldwide fellowship that lifts neighborly concern beyond ones tribe, race, class, and nation is in reality a call for an all-embracing and unconditional love for all. the tradgedy of the churchs reaction to september 11th is not that we rallied around the familes in new york and dc but that our love simply reflected the borders and alliegences of the world. we mourned the deaths of each soldier, as we should, but we did not feel the same anger and pain for each iraqi death, or for the folks abused in the abu ghriab incident. we got farther and farther away from jesus' vision, which extends beyond our rational love and tghe boundaries we have established.
p 207. essentialy i went to iraq because i believe in a god of scandelous grace. i have pledged alliegence to a king who loved evil doers so much he died for them, teaching us there is something worth dying for but not worth killing for. i went to iraq in the footsteps of an executed and risen god. the jesus of the margins suffered and imperial execution by an oppressive regime of wealthy and pious elites. and now he dares me and woos me to come and follow, to take up my cross, to lose my life to find it, with the promises that life is more powerful than death and that it is more corageous to love our enemies than to kill them.
p 221. rebirth means that we have a new pardigm of "us" and "them." our central identity is no longer biological. and our central allegiance is no longer national. our pronouns change. our new "us" as jesus teaches, is the church, and the people of god doing the will of the father. certainly, there are times when america is that. and there are times when america is not. when we hear that "we" were attacked, do we think "we" the church, or "we" as americans? what is our primary identity? when the bush administration said that a way of life was being attacked, it was true, but it was not the gospel that was being attacked. it is no coincedence that what was attacked wasnt the world council of churches but the symbols of the corporate global economy and the arms that would protect it. more than ever, we must be asking what will create a safer, more sustainable world. and i believe god has given us a vision for that, a vision that looks very different from the dream of america. one soldier i met returned from iraq deeply disturbed. he said "i just risked my life for the american dream, and i am not even sure i believe in it anymore. and i am pretty sure that the world cannot afford it." no wonder jesus began to weep as he overlooked jerusalem, crying out, "if you had only known what would bring you peace." (luke 19:42)
p 225. i had a college professor who said "all around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. but dear children, do not tiptoe. run, hop, skip, or dance, just dont tiptoe." in my youth group days i had seen all too many wild would be jesus radicals fall by the wayside because they had never been trusted with the adventure of revolutionary living. when i was a youth leader, one of the high school kids who had given his life to jesus got busted only a few weeks later from having acid in school. i remember asking in dissapointment what happened.. he just shrugged his shoulders and said he got bored. bored? god forgive us for all those we have lost because we made the gospel boring. i am convinced that if we lose kids to teh culture of drugs and materialism, of violence and war, its because we dont dare them, not because we dont entertain them. its because we make the gospel too easy, not because we make it too difficult. kids want to do somethign heroic with their lives, which is why they play video games and join the army. but what are they to do with a church that teaches them to tiptoe through life so they can arrive at death safely?
p 123. we preach, prophesy, and dream together about how to awaken the church from her voilent slumber. sometimes we speak to change the world; other times we speak to keep the world from changing us. we are about ending poverty, not simply managing it. we give people fish. we teach them to fish. we tear down the walls that have been built up around the fish pond. and we figure out who polluted it.
we fight terrorism- the terrorism within each of us, the terrorism of corporate greed, of american consumerism, of war. we are not pacifist hippies but passionate lovers who abhor passivity and violence. we spend our lives actively resisting everything that destroys life, whether that be terrorism of the war on terrorism. we try to make the world safe, knowing that the world will never be safe as long as millions live in poverty so the fewcan live as they wish. we believe in another way of life-the kingdom of god-which stands in opposition to the prinicpalities, powers, and rulers of this dark world.
p 134. once we get past the rebellious or reactive countercultural paradigm and muster up the courage to try living in new ways, most of us find that community if very natural and makes a lot of sense, and that it is not as foregin to most of the world as it is to us. community is what we are created for. we are made in the image of god who is community, a plurality of oneness. when the first human was made, thiings were not good until there was two, helping one another.
but that doesnt mean community is easy. for everything in this world tries to push us away from community, pushes us to choose ourselves over others, to choose independence over interdependence, to choose great things over small things, to choose going fast alone over going far together. the simple way is not the easy way. one of the things i think jesus is doing is setting us free from the heavy yoke of an oppresive way of life. i know plenty of people, both rich and poor, who are suffocating from the weight of the american dream, who find themselves heavily burdened by the lifeless toil and consumption we put upon ourselves. this is the yoke we are being set free from. the new yoke is still not easy, but we carry it together, and it is good and leads us to rest, espeically for the weariest traveler.
in fact, if our lives are easy, we must be doing something wrong. momma t used to say "following jesus is simple, but not easy. love until it hurts, and then love more." my friend brooke, with whom i went to india and later started the Simple Way, used to have the words "simple ubt not easy" painted on her wall. dorthy day of the catholic worker movement understood this as well. she said "love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer. this love is not sentimental but heartwrenching, the most difficult and the most beautiful thing in the world.
p 198. this burst of nationalism reveals the deep longing we all have for community, a natural thirst for intimacy that liberals and progressive christians would have done much better to acknowledge. september 11th shattered the self-sufficent, autonomous individual, and we saw a community= for the people to cry with, be angry with, to suffer with. people did not want to be alone in their sorrow, rage, and fear. but what happened after september 11th broke my heart. conservative christians rallied around the drums of war. liberal christians took to the streets. the cross was smothered by the flag and trampled under the feet of angry protesters. the church community was lost, so the many hungry seekers found community in the civic religion of american patriotism. people were hurting and crying out for healing, for salvation in the best sense of the word, as in the salve with which you dress a wound. a people longing for a savior placed their faith in the fragile hands of human logic and military strength, which have always let us down. they have always fallen short of the glory of god.
p 203. violence is always rooted in a myopic sense of community, whether it be nationalism or gangs. we long for people to fight with, mourn with, and celebrate with.martin luther king sense this myopia both in the ghettos and in the vietnam war and longed for our vision to be broader than our fam or our country. as king said, we are bound by alliegences and loyalties which are broader and deeper than nationalism.... this call for a worldwide fellowship that lifts neighborly concern beyond ones tribe, race, class, and nation is in reality a call for an all-embracing and unconditional love for all. the tradgedy of the churchs reaction to september 11th is not that we rallied around the familes in new york and dc but that our love simply reflected the borders and alliegences of the world. we mourned the deaths of each soldier, as we should, but we did not feel the same anger and pain for each iraqi death, or for the folks abused in the abu ghriab incident. we got farther and farther away from jesus' vision, which extends beyond our rational love and tghe boundaries we have established.
p 207. essentialy i went to iraq because i believe in a god of scandelous grace. i have pledged alliegence to a king who loved evil doers so much he died for them, teaching us there is something worth dying for but not worth killing for. i went to iraq in the footsteps of an executed and risen god. the jesus of the margins suffered and imperial execution by an oppressive regime of wealthy and pious elites. and now he dares me and woos me to come and follow, to take up my cross, to lose my life to find it, with the promises that life is more powerful than death and that it is more corageous to love our enemies than to kill them.
p 221. rebirth means that we have a new pardigm of "us" and "them." our central identity is no longer biological. and our central allegiance is no longer national. our pronouns change. our new "us" as jesus teaches, is the church, and the people of god doing the will of the father. certainly, there are times when america is that. and there are times when america is not. when we hear that "we" were attacked, do we think "we" the church, or "we" as americans? what is our primary identity? when the bush administration said that a way of life was being attacked, it was true, but it was not the gospel that was being attacked. it is no coincedence that what was attacked wasnt the world council of churches but the symbols of the corporate global economy and the arms that would protect it. more than ever, we must be asking what will create a safer, more sustainable world. and i believe god has given us a vision for that, a vision that looks very different from the dream of america. one soldier i met returned from iraq deeply disturbed. he said "i just risked my life for the american dream, and i am not even sure i believe in it anymore. and i am pretty sure that the world cannot afford it." no wonder jesus began to weep as he overlooked jerusalem, crying out, "if you had only known what would bring you peace." (luke 19:42)
p 225. i had a college professor who said "all around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. but dear children, do not tiptoe. run, hop, skip, or dance, just dont tiptoe." in my youth group days i had seen all too many wild would be jesus radicals fall by the wayside because they had never been trusted with the adventure of revolutionary living. when i was a youth leader, one of the high school kids who had given his life to jesus got busted only a few weeks later from having acid in school. i remember asking in dissapointment what happened.. he just shrugged his shoulders and said he got bored. bored? god forgive us for all those we have lost because we made the gospel boring. i am convinced that if we lose kids to teh culture of drugs and materialism, of violence and war, its because we dont dare them, not because we dont entertain them. its because we make the gospel too easy, not because we make it too difficult. kids want to do somethign heroic with their lives, which is why they play video games and join the army. but what are they to do with a church that teaches them to tiptoe through life so they can arrive at death safely?
6.17.2007
i added a post
see 6/05. i didnt realize it.. but i hadn't published that one, and i just did, but oyu wouldnt realize it since it is published supposibly on the day i did it, which was actually partly today, so.. just.. in other words, scroll down and read it.
6.14.2007
procrstinating so badly
so, after learning that i am probably 80% bipolar, and should date a japanese guy because i am a mix of modern and traditional values, it has now been determined that, to show my love, i should dye my hair the same color and start wearing a white kimono. wow, i feel way cool already. (no offense to the japanese)
oh, and the extreme sport i should try is sandboarding.
ok, so, its 10:29 on thursday night and i have two finals due tomorrow:
earth and space: a powerpoint / 10 minute presentation on topic of my choice (comets and asteroids) as well as a 2+ page paper about my topic (comets and asteroids)
spanish: a movie / powerpoint complete with some words and many pictures about my 100 year-long life which is entirely ficitonal, the movie must be narrated and at least 5 minutes long
i am so stressed out about getting everything done, the spanish one more so than the sciece one
my concerns:
my science powerpoint is not long enough
i do not have the paper written for it
i will be basically reading the words off of the screen, though im fairly good at adlibing and speaking in general
i do not have my script for spanish finished, there fore it is not a 5 minute commentary
i do not have a movie or powerpoint
i definetally do not have my voice recorded onto the computor since i have nothing written to read, nor do any of these computors have a program on them that allows me to do so
on top of that, i havent slept for days and i have no clean laundry whatsoever so ive been wearing the most uncomfortable clothes i own which, i know normally shouldnt bother people, but, ontop of being stressed out and overwhelemed, only adds to the anxiety because i'm not even physically comfortable throughout the day
and im getting sick from not getting enough sleep.
and its fucking 10:35 now and i havent started solving any of my problems and i hate myself a lot right because i know its entirely my fault but i just cant seem to focus on them, or have enough motivation to continue working on them. i suppose that it seems like even if i were to work all night i simply would not have them done because there is so much left to do, so i suppose thats sparking the hopeless feeling im getting from all these projects so that subconsciously, ive decided they not worth doing if they, in the end, wont get done.
see what ive been going through?
and im not taking a math next year which is pretty sweet.
oh, and the extreme sport i should try is sandboarding.
ok, so, its 10:29 on thursday night and i have two finals due tomorrow:
earth and space: a powerpoint / 10 minute presentation on topic of my choice (comets and asteroids) as well as a 2+ page paper about my topic (comets and asteroids)
spanish: a movie / powerpoint complete with some words and many pictures about my 100 year-long life which is entirely ficitonal, the movie must be narrated and at least 5 minutes long
i am so stressed out about getting everything done, the spanish one more so than the sciece one
my concerns:
my science powerpoint is not long enough
i do not have the paper written for it
i will be basically reading the words off of the screen, though im fairly good at adlibing and speaking in general
i do not have my script for spanish finished, there fore it is not a 5 minute commentary
i do not have a movie or powerpoint
i definetally do not have my voice recorded onto the computor since i have nothing written to read, nor do any of these computors have a program on them that allows me to do so
on top of that, i havent slept for days and i have no clean laundry whatsoever so ive been wearing the most uncomfortable clothes i own which, i know normally shouldnt bother people, but, ontop of being stressed out and overwhelemed, only adds to the anxiety because i'm not even physically comfortable throughout the day
and im getting sick from not getting enough sleep.
and its fucking 10:35 now and i havent started solving any of my problems and i hate myself a lot right because i know its entirely my fault but i just cant seem to focus on them, or have enough motivation to continue working on them. i suppose that it seems like even if i were to work all night i simply would not have them done because there is so much left to do, so i suppose thats sparking the hopeless feeling im getting from all these projects so that subconsciously, ive decided they not worth doing if they, in the end, wont get done.
see what ive been going through?
and im not taking a math next year which is pretty sweet.
a quiz told me i was "summer"
As summer, you like to keep things normal. You dont do anything too crazy, but you know how to have fun. You keep things quiet if you can, but if you want to, you can be a total party animal. You like the outdoors-nature, people-and looking at the sky can always interest you with what it offers. You want to change the world but dont know how or where to start, but dont worry, one day youll make a difference.
and i think, according to the description, it's right
and i think, according to the description, it's right
6.12.2007
confronting Him
youre forcing me to confront Him
i dont want to, please dont make me
yet i want ot pray for oyu so badly
because i want you to be ok
and be alright and happy and optimistic and everything
and i want to see you doing well
and you asked me for this favor
and i cant wait to help you
but i cant confront Him
im just not ready yet
i dont know what to believe
or what to think
or how to start
"i know its beeen a while.."
and i say i live for Him
and i DO, i live as salt of the earth
as the light of the earth
and witness to others
and talk about Him and His being
i dont always glorify, though
i dont glorify
i dont know how
i dont know what to do
and what not to do
i ask for signs, for help
i ask to know whats ok and whats not
i say "is this alright? is this not alright?"
but i dont understand the reply
its all twisted and filled with earthly influences
i think. or maybe its crystal clear
i cant help but second guess everything
i want so badly to understand things
so as to never dissapoint or let Him down
and im always so anxious in everything i do
because i just. dont. know. if its ok
so please, im crying and its only making me tired
im thinking about things and its only giving me headaches
im reading about things and the words get jumbled and mis-interpreted
am i missing the big picture?
am i overlooking the biggest clue?
god help me.
i dont want to, please dont make me
yet i want ot pray for oyu so badly
because i want you to be ok
and be alright and happy and optimistic and everything
and i want to see you doing well
and you asked me for this favor
and i cant wait to help you
but i cant confront Him
im just not ready yet
i dont know what to believe
or what to think
or how to start
"i know its beeen a while.."
and i say i live for Him
and i DO, i live as salt of the earth
as the light of the earth
and witness to others
and talk about Him and His being
i dont always glorify, though
i dont glorify
i dont know how
i dont know what to do
and what not to do
i ask for signs, for help
i ask to know whats ok and whats not
i say "is this alright? is this not alright?"
but i dont understand the reply
its all twisted and filled with earthly influences
i think. or maybe its crystal clear
i cant help but second guess everything
i want so badly to understand things
so as to never dissapoint or let Him down
and im always so anxious in everything i do
because i just. dont. know. if its ok
so please, im crying and its only making me tired
im thinking about things and its only giving me headaches
im reading about things and the words get jumbled and mis-interpreted
am i missing the big picture?
am i overlooking the biggest clue?
god help me.
the end
what do i dooo
where do i go?
what do i turn to?
exactly?
i dont want to talk
but im about to explode
and im pissed off ALL the fucking time
aughing doesnt help
i cant pretend anymore, im sorry
i hate you
i dont love you
you drag me down
strip me down to nothing
and i HATE that feeling
it cuts me to the core
youre jokes arent funny
and im going to start tearing you down any minute now
you disrespect me
i do things, you laugh
you mimick and make fun
thanks a fucking lot
yet i laugh, i dont know why
because i can laugh at myself
because it lightens the mood
because you laugh
and i couldnt stand telling you off
not anymore. thats done. its over.
if im not happy, im not happy
and im sorry if that puts a damper on your day.
but what to do i do?
i am not holding a grudge
but i am not remaining idle and sitting back
i cant watch this, i cant be a part of this.
i sacrfice SO much for you
i give in SO much for your satisfaction
i cant do that anymore
please respect me and dont force me to comply
i hate it yet i dont say anything
i never, ever want to dissapoint.
its getting in the way now
im losing myself because i fear dissapointing you.
where do i draw the line between sacrificing for others and remaining alright?
i believe in living for others, devoting your life to the bettering of other people
but does that leave room for myself?
no, not at all. i dont deserve that.
i dont deserve me time- that is not my duty
i am CALLED to sacrifice my entire life so that another may live
that is the example i have been given,
and so i shall live in such a way.
i cant even talk anymore
i just dont know what to say
i dont know what you WANT from me
i dont know what to give if i dont know what will satisfy
i am afraid to speak
i cant dissapoint you, i could never
i cant be serious
you're not serious
so i entertain
i reach you the only way i know how
i am sacrificing myself as i do this.
sacrifice so as to never dissapoint.
this is my calling.
and so it so.
where do i go?
what do i turn to?
exactly?
i dont want to talk
but im about to explode
and im pissed off ALL the fucking time
aughing doesnt help
i cant pretend anymore, im sorry
i hate you
i dont love you
you drag me down
strip me down to nothing
and i HATE that feeling
it cuts me to the core
youre jokes arent funny
and im going to start tearing you down any minute now
you disrespect me
i do things, you laugh
you mimick and make fun
thanks a fucking lot
yet i laugh, i dont know why
because i can laugh at myself
because it lightens the mood
because you laugh
and i couldnt stand telling you off
not anymore. thats done. its over.
if im not happy, im not happy
and im sorry if that puts a damper on your day.
but what to do i do?
i am not holding a grudge
but i am not remaining idle and sitting back
i cant watch this, i cant be a part of this.
i sacrfice SO much for you
i give in SO much for your satisfaction
i cant do that anymore
please respect me and dont force me to comply
i hate it yet i dont say anything
i never, ever want to dissapoint.
its getting in the way now
im losing myself because i fear dissapointing you.
where do i draw the line between sacrificing for others and remaining alright?
i believe in living for others, devoting your life to the bettering of other people
but does that leave room for myself?
no, not at all. i dont deserve that.
i dont deserve me time- that is not my duty
i am CALLED to sacrifice my entire life so that another may live
that is the example i have been given,
and so i shall live in such a way.
i cant even talk anymore
i just dont know what to say
i dont know what you WANT from me
i dont know what to give if i dont know what will satisfy
i am afraid to speak
i cant dissapoint you, i could never
i cant be serious
you're not serious
so i entertain
i reach you the only way i know how
i am sacrificing myself as i do this.
sacrifice so as to never dissapoint.
this is my calling.
and so it so.
ralph waldo emerson
to know even one life breathed easier because you have lived
this is to have succeeded
this is to have succeeded
6.05.2007
draft
so close- just out of reach
through the ocean see the beach
day is here as youre yawing
new life is slowely dawing
maybe i am bipolar?
through the ocean see the beach
day is here as youre yawing
new life is slowely dawing
maybe i am bipolar?
6.04.2007
shh
it was midnight
in the city
holding hands
just arm to arm
walking through
the shadows
the streetlights
all were on
i smiled up
to you
leaning back
just a bit
your eyes shown
down on me
and your face
was all alit
you leaned down
slowely surely
and turned
to hold me tight
what a wonderful
beginning to a
long awaited night
you asked me how my day went
not well, i replied
you asked me what i needed
when i began to cry
you came to hold me closer
i pushed away and ran
the last thing that i wanted
was a helping hand
i thought i needed space
just a breath of some fresh air
as i left i looked behind me
and saw you standing there
you simply stood and staired
and watched me go alone
wondering why you even asked
if only you had known
in the city
holding hands
just arm to arm
walking through
the shadows
the streetlights
all were on
i smiled up
to you
leaning back
just a bit
your eyes shown
down on me
and your face
was all alit
you leaned down
slowely surely
and turned
to hold me tight
what a wonderful
beginning to a
long awaited night
you asked me how my day went
not well, i replied
you asked me what i needed
when i began to cry
you came to hold me closer
i pushed away and ran
the last thing that i wanted
was a helping hand
i thought i needed space
just a breath of some fresh air
as i left i looked behind me
and saw you standing there
you simply stood and staired
and watched me go alone
wondering why you even asked
if only you had known
