1.27.2007
flaming lips
why am i listening to the flaming lips?
because i want to feel something?
because i DONT want to feel something?
i donno...
its nice though. i like it. i like music.
some people get high just to feel things
isnt that funny?
because they want to reach
some higher level of consciousness
funny huh?
i dono, i mean, for me...
to be fully conscious is to be fully aware
REAL consciousness is to be alive and awake and free
yet, be yourself.
not to say that when you smoke you turn into a whole new person
have a whole new identity, nothing like that
i just wouldnt want anything to.. cloud my thoughts.. which is what i associate with smoking
i feel like it would BLOCK things out, as opposed to introduce new things
aaand plus, everytime you want to feel that, you need to smoke
which, if you think about it, is kind of abnoxious, dont you think?
like...
you think to yourself, or say to one of your friends "man, i want to feel GOOD tonight"
well all know what "GOOD" implies ;)
but why not get used to feeling good.. now?
i mean.. theres no point in becoming dependant on something you dont have in order to make you happy?
just a personal opinion.
i can have the time of my life just.. living.
i dont need anything else to make me feel more "alive."
which, i think is a good thing :)
ok... another thing has been on my mind recently
and, im going to swear. just to warn you.
VERY few things make me swear...
but why the fuck cant we all just get ALONG?
we're living the same lives side by side and go through many of the same things and could potentially be in the same positions as anybody else... doesnt that mean anything?
i feel like everybodys gotten to be WAY too picky for their own good. i mean we would all be a heck of a lot better of if we felt like we could depend on anybody for anything- and we SHOULD be able to depend on anybody for anything
i think we owe it together. we owe it to ourselves.
im just so fucking tired of feeling like i have to choose all the time. what if i just want to hang out with somebody just.. because? we should be able to do that. it doesnt mean anything other than "hey, i think youre cool" or.. whatever. ahh, and, now im afraid to even say "cool" because i know im like.. setting somebody apart.
and i dont mean to do that
AT ALL
but seriously.. whats with all the hate and crap like that?
not to say that everybodys shallow and judgemental
im not making any accusations
or placing any blame
but for crying out loud cant we all just get along?
im sick of all the cliquiness
its come to the point where i will deliberately avoid putting myself in a situation where id need to choose who to ahng out with
i want to hang out with everybody! theres nothing wrong with that, its not wrong at all
SO STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IT IS
maybe im just blowing things up in my head, maybe im making things a much bigger deal than they actually are. but know a lot of you have seen what i mean.
i just want everybody to be happy.
because i want to feel something?
because i DONT want to feel something?
i donno...
its nice though. i like it. i like music.
some people get high just to feel things
isnt that funny?
because they want to reach
some higher level of consciousness
funny huh?
i dono, i mean, for me...
to be fully conscious is to be fully aware
REAL consciousness is to be alive and awake and free
yet, be yourself.
not to say that when you smoke you turn into a whole new person
have a whole new identity, nothing like that
i just wouldnt want anything to.. cloud my thoughts.. which is what i associate with smoking
i feel like it would BLOCK things out, as opposed to introduce new things
aaand plus, everytime you want to feel that, you need to smoke
which, if you think about it, is kind of abnoxious, dont you think?
like...
you think to yourself, or say to one of your friends "man, i want to feel GOOD tonight"
well all know what "GOOD" implies ;)
but why not get used to feeling good.. now?
i mean.. theres no point in becoming dependant on something you dont have in order to make you happy?
just a personal opinion.
i can have the time of my life just.. living.
i dont need anything else to make me feel more "alive."
which, i think is a good thing :)
ok... another thing has been on my mind recently
and, im going to swear. just to warn you.
VERY few things make me swear...
but why the fuck cant we all just get ALONG?
we're living the same lives side by side and go through many of the same things and could potentially be in the same positions as anybody else... doesnt that mean anything?
i feel like everybodys gotten to be WAY too picky for their own good. i mean we would all be a heck of a lot better of if we felt like we could depend on anybody for anything- and we SHOULD be able to depend on anybody for anything
i think we owe it together. we owe it to ourselves.
im just so fucking tired of feeling like i have to choose all the time. what if i just want to hang out with somebody just.. because? we should be able to do that. it doesnt mean anything other than "hey, i think youre cool" or.. whatever. ahh, and, now im afraid to even say "cool" because i know im like.. setting somebody apart.
and i dont mean to do that
AT ALL
but seriously.. whats with all the hate and crap like that?
not to say that everybodys shallow and judgemental
im not making any accusations
or placing any blame
but for crying out loud cant we all just get along?
im sick of all the cliquiness
its come to the point where i will deliberately avoid putting myself in a situation where id need to choose who to ahng out with
i want to hang out with everybody! theres nothing wrong with that, its not wrong at all
SO STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IT IS
maybe im just blowing things up in my head, maybe im making things a much bigger deal than they actually are. but know a lot of you have seen what i mean.
i just want everybody to be happy.
1.25.2007
theres another angel in heaven
my stomach dropped
as did every word i could possibly say
gone. just like that.
where to begin? where do all my thoughts begin?
"it was coming" whispered my dad.
"i know" i whispered back.
thats all i could do.
you know, sometimes, it doesnt even really matter who
it doesnt matter why,
it doesnt matter when,
all that matters is that the moment has come,
that "IT" has happened.
i sat and cried. sitting on the passenger side leaning on the center cushion i just cried.
first it came as short sniffles as i felt my eyes begin to water
then the tears came and i bowed my head to wipe my eyes
"i know," my dad said "i know"
there was nothing else to do; the mourning began
i felt the car on the smooth highway and not once bothered to way the trees pass by
for, you see, that is what i normally do
but this was no normal day.
we sat together, him driving, me bowing my head
i mumbled "its just so sad"
and my fathers voice cracked as he said
"he was a good man"
pause.
"he was such a good man."
and i looked up to see my father wiping tears from his red eyes.
the sunglasses couldnt hide the pain.
we arrived to their mansion and stepped in to a kitchen
by now my tears had dried
my family sat around a circle table. all somber.
small talk.
school, swimming, friends, my mom and step dad.
dinner began soon after.
first things first:
a toast to pampie.
ok, here comes the tears, i thought.
stories and tales of old filled the conversations.
mamie reflected on past experiences,
first meetings,
dates and special moments.
it was so beautiful.
her face lit up when she spoke of him.
when the night was through, and my father was driving me home,
we whispered back and forth every now and then
speaking of how we would each remember him
as he slowed his car to a stop we sat in silence
"he was such a good man, as is she,
mamie and pampie were meant to be together,
-there is so much love between them"
"yes, there is"
pause. whisper:
Dad: "theres another angel in heaven"
. .yes, there is.
it saddnes me to think about death, especially when it seems to be everywhere recently. so, i wont think about it. i'd like to think about life. i want ot focus on living right now. i want to treat my life like a gift. we have only so much time.. we have to make it worth it. like a toy a new child gets for christmas. they play with it constantly, are so excited to have it, and use it whenever they can. for, its a gift. i want my life to be like that. i want to take advantage of this gift the best i can. i dont want to just set it up high on a shelf and let it get dusty, for whats the use in collecting dust? im going to carry it around with me all the time: live the most adventurous, challening, worthwhile life i can ALL THE TIME, not just sometimes when i feel like it. i want to be inspired by my life. i want them to say "wow, i want to live as much as she lived."
i dont want to be idle. i dont want to pass things up. i think that goes for a lot of people now a days. sometimes, we get so bogged down by all of the troubles or get so bogged down by trying to live a certain way because we think its better. and hey, i'll tell you i KNOW its not easy to try and be the best you can be all the time. especially since that "be you can be" thing changes all the times. we're not going to have the same theorys and ideas on how to live today as we're going to in 20 years from now. i hope i'm in a good place 20 years from now. i hope i'm setteled and happy and optimistic 20 years from now.
sincerily, from one stranger to another: have a good life. im here for you if you need me. we should all be here for eachother. i hope we all want to live as much as the person standing next to us.
i hope im not coming off as some lovey-dovey save-the-world kind of person. its not about saving the world. its about living in it. using it and having it use us. thats what its about.
i want to get to know people more so that we can all be passionate about life together. i feel like theres all these different "types" of people everywhere who have kind of.. seperated themselves into those catagories, but really, there all the same catagories! now, isnt that funny? but theyre so busy being seperated that they wouldnt think to notice that theyre really all the same. sometimes thats how i feel things are turning into.
also, i think the teenage generation right now is a lot deeper than most other generations have been. we all have this deep desire to EXPERIENCE things. i think thats wonderful. everyone feels so deeply, and is so incredibly reflective. we have the power to change things because we know so much from feeling so deep. we understand people better. we're all so open to new ideas and new ways of thought. wow. im impressed. i love it, i love the generation i am a part of. we're a MOVEMENT. a REVOLUTION, if you wish to say.
as did every word i could possibly say
gone. just like that.
where to begin? where do all my thoughts begin?
"it was coming" whispered my dad.
"i know" i whispered back.
thats all i could do.
you know, sometimes, it doesnt even really matter who
it doesnt matter why,
it doesnt matter when,
all that matters is that the moment has come,
that "IT" has happened.
i sat and cried. sitting on the passenger side leaning on the center cushion i just cried.
first it came as short sniffles as i felt my eyes begin to water
then the tears came and i bowed my head to wipe my eyes
"i know," my dad said "i know"
there was nothing else to do; the mourning began
i felt the car on the smooth highway and not once bothered to way the trees pass by
for, you see, that is what i normally do
but this was no normal day.
we sat together, him driving, me bowing my head
i mumbled "its just so sad"
and my fathers voice cracked as he said
"he was a good man"
pause.
"he was such a good man."
and i looked up to see my father wiping tears from his red eyes.
the sunglasses couldnt hide the pain.
we arrived to their mansion and stepped in to a kitchen
by now my tears had dried
my family sat around a circle table. all somber.
small talk.
school, swimming, friends, my mom and step dad.
dinner began soon after.
first things first:
a toast to pampie.
ok, here comes the tears, i thought.
stories and tales of old filled the conversations.
mamie reflected on past experiences,
first meetings,
dates and special moments.
it was so beautiful.
her face lit up when she spoke of him.
when the night was through, and my father was driving me home,
we whispered back and forth every now and then
speaking of how we would each remember him
as he slowed his car to a stop we sat in silence
"he was such a good man, as is she,
mamie and pampie were meant to be together,
-there is so much love between them"
"yes, there is"
pause. whisper:
Dad: "theres another angel in heaven"
. .yes, there is.
it saddnes me to think about death, especially when it seems to be everywhere recently. so, i wont think about it. i'd like to think about life. i want ot focus on living right now. i want to treat my life like a gift. we have only so much time.. we have to make it worth it. like a toy a new child gets for christmas. they play with it constantly, are so excited to have it, and use it whenever they can. for, its a gift. i want my life to be like that. i want to take advantage of this gift the best i can. i dont want to just set it up high on a shelf and let it get dusty, for whats the use in collecting dust? im going to carry it around with me all the time: live the most adventurous, challening, worthwhile life i can ALL THE TIME, not just sometimes when i feel like it. i want to be inspired by my life. i want them to say "wow, i want to live as much as she lived."
i dont want to be idle. i dont want to pass things up. i think that goes for a lot of people now a days. sometimes, we get so bogged down by all of the troubles or get so bogged down by trying to live a certain way because we think its better. and hey, i'll tell you i KNOW its not easy to try and be the best you can be all the time. especially since that "be you can be" thing changes all the times. we're not going to have the same theorys and ideas on how to live today as we're going to in 20 years from now. i hope i'm in a good place 20 years from now. i hope i'm setteled and happy and optimistic 20 years from now.
sincerily, from one stranger to another: have a good life. im here for you if you need me. we should all be here for eachother. i hope we all want to live as much as the person standing next to us.
i hope im not coming off as some lovey-dovey save-the-world kind of person. its not about saving the world. its about living in it. using it and having it use us. thats what its about.
i want to get to know people more so that we can all be passionate about life together. i feel like theres all these different "types" of people everywhere who have kind of.. seperated themselves into those catagories, but really, there all the same catagories! now, isnt that funny? but theyre so busy being seperated that they wouldnt think to notice that theyre really all the same. sometimes thats how i feel things are turning into.
also, i think the teenage generation right now is a lot deeper than most other generations have been. we all have this deep desire to EXPERIENCE things. i think thats wonderful. everyone feels so deeply, and is so incredibly reflective. we have the power to change things because we know so much from feeling so deep. we understand people better. we're all so open to new ideas and new ways of thought. wow. im impressed. i love it, i love the generation i am a part of. we're a MOVEMENT. a REVOLUTION, if you wish to say.
1.01.2007
so now tell me, please, how does it come to be that one can loose one parent, and then another not even two weeks later?
how can a father die 6 days before christmas, and mother die on new years eve?
:'(
feeling so sad.
how can a father die 6 days before christmas, and mother die on new years eve?
:'(
feeling so sad.
responsibility
You are the person who has to decide. Whether you'll do it or toss it aside; you are the person who makes up your mind. Whether you'll lead or will linger behind. Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar. Or just be contented to stay where you are.
responsibilitys a funny thing, woldn't you say? how sometimes, we want it so badly for certain things, yet, at other times, we pray for it to be on somebody else. funny how it goes two ways like that. you can take it. have it. gain it. loose it. flip the word and be it. or not be it. we long to be resposible for heroic actions yet, avoid taking responsibility for not-so-great deeds.
either way i think its stupid that people wouldnt want to be responsible for every single thing they do or say or want or think up. i mean, isnt it great that God made you your own person? isnt it wonderful that you have your own life? i mean, you do get to choose pretty much everything- true? at least, when it comes to how you live your life. so, i think that since we are all responsible for our actions, we should take that factyor into consideration while we are in the process of acting. make sense? live knowing that youre responsible for your life. if oyu want change, if you want the world to be a certain way, if you want it that bad- then make ti happen. the world isnt gonna change it self sometimes. and theres no gaurentees that it'll change how you want it to unless you contribute to its changing. i mean, why sit around and wish things all the time in stead of just.. making them happen? we need to be RESPONSIBLE in this sense- for saving, for helping, for changing everything. its worth a shot, i mean, whats to loose when it comes to trying your absolute best to make a difference for the better of someone or something?
sometimes i just want to say.. come ON
responsibilitys a funny thing, woldn't you say? how sometimes, we want it so badly for certain things, yet, at other times, we pray for it to be on somebody else. funny how it goes two ways like that. you can take it. have it. gain it. loose it. flip the word and be it. or not be it. we long to be resposible for heroic actions yet, avoid taking responsibility for not-so-great deeds.
either way i think its stupid that people wouldnt want to be responsible for every single thing they do or say or want or think up. i mean, isnt it great that God made you your own person? isnt it wonderful that you have your own life? i mean, you do get to choose pretty much everything- true? at least, when it comes to how you live your life. so, i think that since we are all responsible for our actions, we should take that factyor into consideration while we are in the process of acting. make sense? live knowing that youre responsible for your life. if oyu want change, if you want the world to be a certain way, if you want it that bad- then make ti happen. the world isnt gonna change it self sometimes. and theres no gaurentees that it'll change how you want it to unless you contribute to its changing. i mean, why sit around and wish things all the time in stead of just.. making them happen? we need to be RESPONSIBLE in this sense- for saving, for helping, for changing everything. its worth a shot, i mean, whats to loose when it comes to trying your absolute best to make a difference for the better of someone or something?
sometimes i just want to say.. come ON
