You're my sweet charade

my stomach dropped
as did every word i could possibly say
gone. just like that.
where to begin? where do all my thoughts begin?
"it was coming" whispered my dad.
"i know" i whispered back.
thats all i could do.

you know, sometimes, it doesnt even really matter who
it doesnt matter why,
it doesnt matter when,
all that matters is that the moment has come,
that "IT" has happened.

i sat and cried. sitting on the passenger side leaning on the center cushion i just cried.
first it came as short sniffles as i felt my eyes begin to water
then the tears came and i bowed my head to wipe my eyes
"i know," my dad said "i know"
there was nothing else to do; the mourning began
i felt the car on the smooth highway and not once bothered to way the trees pass by
for, you see, that is what i normally do
but this was no normal day.

we sat together, him driving, me bowing my head
i mumbled "its just so sad"
and my fathers voice cracked as he said
"he was a good man"
pause.
"he was such a good man."
and i looked up to see my father wiping tears from his red eyes.
the sunglasses couldnt hide the pain.

we arrived to their mansion and stepped in to a kitchen
by now my tears had dried
my family sat around a circle table. all somber.
small talk.
school, swimming, friends, my mom and step dad.

dinner began soon after.
first things first:
a toast to pampie.
ok, here comes the tears, i thought.

stories and tales of old filled the conversations.
mamie reflected on past experiences,
first meetings,
dates and special moments.
it was so beautiful.
her face lit up when she spoke of him.

when the night was through, and my father was driving me home,
we whispered back and forth every now and then
speaking of how we would each remember him
as he slowed his car to a stop we sat in silence
"he was such a good man, as is she,
mamie and pampie were meant to be together,
-there is so much love between them"
"yes, there is"
pause. whisper:
Dad: "theres another angel in heaven"

. .yes, there is.



it saddnes me to think about death, especially when it seems to be everywhere recently. so, i wont think about it. i'd like to think about life. i want ot focus on living right now. i want to treat my life like a gift. we have only so much time.. we have to make it worth it. like a toy a new child gets for christmas. they play with it constantly, are so excited to have it, and use it whenever they can. for, its a gift. i want my life to be like that. i want to take advantage of this gift the best i can. i dont want to just set it up high on a shelf and let it get dusty, for whats the use in collecting dust? im going to carry it around with me all the time: live the most adventurous, challening, worthwhile life i can ALL THE TIME, not just sometimes when i feel like it. i want to be inspired by my life. i want them to say "wow, i want to live as much as she lived."

i dont want to be idle. i dont want to pass things up. i think that goes for a lot of people now a days. sometimes, we get so bogged down by all of the troubles or get so bogged down by trying to live a certain way because we think its better. and hey, i'll tell you i KNOW its not easy to try and be the best you can be all the time. especially since that "be you can be" thing changes all the times. we're not going to have the same theorys and ideas on how to live today as we're going to in 20 years from now. i hope i'm in a good place 20 years from now. i hope i'm setteled and happy and optimistic 20 years from now.

sincerily, from one stranger to another: have a good life. im here for you if you need me. we should all be here for eachother. i hope we all want to live as much as the person standing next to us.

i hope im not coming off as some lovey-dovey save-the-world kind of person. its not about saving the world. its about living in it. using it and having it use us. thats what its about.

i want to get to know people more so that we can all be passionate about life together. i feel like theres all these different "types" of people everywhere who have kind of.. seperated themselves into those catagories, but really, there all the same catagories! now, isnt that funny? but theyre so busy being seperated that they wouldnt think to notice that theyre really all the same. sometimes thats how i feel things are turning into.

also, i think the teenage generation right now is a lot deeper than most other generations have been. we all have this deep desire to EXPERIENCE things. i think thats wonderful. everyone feels so deeply, and is so incredibly reflective. we have the power to change things because we know so much from feeling so deep. we understand people better. we're all so open to new ideas and new ways of thought. wow. im impressed. i love it, i love the generation i am a part of. we're a MOVEMENT. a REVOLUTION, if you wish to say.