12.24.2006
through painted deserts
ive learned too, that i dont really know very much about anything. i mean, i used to have all these theories about life. i thought i had everybody figured out. even god. but i dont. i feel, at times, like a droplet of water in a raging river. i am that insignificant. and yet the chemicals in my brain that make me feel beauty when i look up at the stars, when i watch the sunset, indicate i must be here for a reason. i think i would sum it up this way: life is not a story about me, but it is being told to me, and i can be glad of that. i think that is the WHY of life and, in fact, the WHY of this ancient faith i am caught up in: to enjoy God. the sars were created to dazzle us, like a love letter: light itself is like a metaphor, something that exists outside of time, made up of what seems like nothing, infinite in its power, something that can be experienced but not understood, like God. relationships between between men and women inddicate somethign of the nature of God- that he is rational, that he feels love and loss. its all a metaphor, and the story is about us: its about us who GOd made, and GOd Himself, just enjoying eachother. it strikes me how far the commercials are from this reality, how deadly they are, perhaps. months ago i would ahve told you life is about jumping through religious hoops, about impressing other people, and my actions would have told you this is done by buying possessions or keeping a good image or going to church. i dont believe that anymore. i think we are supposed to sleep in the meadows and watch the starts that dart across space ands time. i think we are supposed to stand in deserts and marvel at how the sun rises. i think we are suposed to love our friends and introduce people to the story, to the peaceful, calming, WHY of life. i think life IS spirituality.
I promise myself if i ever get frusterated with life again, I will sell it all and move into the woods, find some peopel who arent like me and learn to love them, and so something even harder, let them love me, recieve the love of somebody who doesnt share my faith system, who doesnt agree with me about everything, and i will sleep beneath the stars and whisper THANK YOU to the Creator of the universe, as a way of reaquinting myself to an old friendd, a friend who says you dont have to be smart or goodlooking or religious or anything, you just have to cling to Him, love Him, need Him, listen to His story."
I promise myself if i ever get frusterated with life again, I will sell it all and move into the woods, find some peopel who arent like me and learn to love them, and so something even harder, let them love me, recieve the love of somebody who doesnt share my faith system, who doesnt agree with me about everything, and i will sleep beneath the stars and whisper THANK YOU to the Creator of the universe, as a way of reaquinting myself to an old friendd, a friend who says you dont have to be smart or goodlooking or religious or anything, you just have to cling to Him, love Him, need Him, listen to His story."
12.12.2006
i miss feeling close to god
just like every other christian in the world i think sometimes i get too wrapped up in living my life than living for god. i mean, it makes sense if you think about it, sometimes we get carried away with the missions we're sent on or just activities of daily life. i think we let things get too impersonal sometimes, or fall into such routines that we dont allow ourselves to look at everything with a fresh outlook every morning. i dont reall yknow what im saying right now but i just feel like writing? you ever get that way? you think to yourself "wow i ahvent had a deep thought or havent really reflected on things in a while" and you kind of.. yearn to? i dont know, maybe its some wierd thing. anyway, im feeling reflective.
i miss my friends, imiss feeling like theres people i can totally commpletely honestly trust with everything, and then it occured to me- is there ever going ot be that person? i mean, even married people... do they feel that about thier spouse? and then i got to thinking about that phrase (i havent a clue where it origionated) about how god is the only one that can completely fill us, about how theres a god shaped hole in everyones heart and its up to us to fill that with him, not with any false idols. but i forget that, or, sometimes i remember it, and i feel so selfish (well, i dont feel selfish at the time, i feel selfish looking back on it) and want to just constently be pleasing myself witht hings i think i want, or things i think i need. like, i'll think to myself and be liek "i really need a friend, more friends, a best friend" and i'll go ff an try a million things to get closer to people, and it'll work! so i'll get so used to trying to be that way and feeling so confident from teh success of it that why would iw ant to go back to being somebody who wasnt focused on making friends, when, i know by keeping up what im doing now i'll remain happy? and then i think to myself "wait, what kind of happiness is this?" i shouldnt remain to be keeping myself falsely happy, i mean, why continue to do somethign that, in the long run, wont last forever if you dont keep putting in the same amount of effort- if not more. and so then i get anxious and stressed out that i havent been "living the right way or how i should be" and i feel so guilty and so selfish- which may not always be bad just so long as they result in a optimistic resolution. but i still have suchtorn feelings about how i want to live. and ive figured out that im trying to live my life so godly and so enrichingly (if thats a word) that i cant make up my mind which path i want to take. not to say theres two distinct paths i can choose from, i just constently fee torn between one thing and another- and usually i dont have a clue what it is. do this or do that. well, theres lots of "this'" and sometimes even more "thats". and im so tierd from it all but i love hanging out with a million people because ithink theyre wonderful people and i definetally want to get to know them more, so why do i feel this way? amybe its because though i feel so much more confident than i have in the past, i feel like the steeper i climb the harder the fall will be orrrrrr, im jumping to conclusions about how they view me, and im someone that likes to imagine what others think of me because i want to witness and i want to take people opinions of me into consideratioon when i do things, i want people to be able to look at me and think "shes a good person, she's really trying hard to live right and make good decisions and i look up to her" you know? like, who doesnt want people to feel that way about them? and so then i thin koh my gosh maybe im coming off as somebody they dont even really like all that much. and i like to ahve people like and want to know me. i dono what the heck im saying right now im totally ranting possibly way off topic, and i dono how this evolved into a topic about me liking people liking me because that sounds totally self-absorbed but im just saying i want people to get to know me like i want to get to know people- i long to meet new people and hear what they have to say and talk to them about things and agree or dirsagree.
i want to keep writing so badly but i know i hould go, im tierd, im hungry, i have a lot of studying to do, i need to research some more about my psat scores because i dont understand how to read them hahah, all i can say is i got a 52 on critical reading, a 55 in math, a 54 in writing skills, totaling to a selection index of 161. and im absolutely terrible at the hawrd questions for all three sections. but, i dont have asterik next to my selection index number, which is a good sign- im not evxactly sure why though.
man do my arms hurt from typing, i dont hink i've typed this quickly and like.. ferociously (hahah) in a long time, well plus swimming has been chellenging me. i have my first meet tomorrow- and no idea what event im doing. not a clue. it better not be breast stroke or butterfly, and DEFINETALY not more than 50 yards or meters or whatever we measure the pool in.
goodnight and god bless.
actually, the other day somebody i hardly ever even met sent me a message that said they look up to me for trying ot be a good christian and try to be a great friend and it was such a heart warming suprise that i couldnt help but praise god for having her say that because its something i needed to hear just then after thinking for so long about how i wanted to be one person and wanted to be another person and it helped me remember my priorities and kept me in check :)
and it was beautiful.
OH YEAH, one more thing- my dads fam is going to start reading the bible!!! and they are NOT religious at ALL. my dad not only doesnt believe in god, but despises the idea of god, and yet, out of some miracle, not exactly agreed to read it, but didnt bock the idea out completely- i think he just likes reading the stories, he brought up jonah and the whale, and my nana ran upstairs and get her childrens bible stories book and handed it to me and i read the story, and nana said we should do that more ofton, and my dad rolled his eyes and slammed the book cover and was like i dont agree with any of this, come onnn, and my aunt was like no no itd be good, and i obviuosly was pumped, and i said "come on dad, you dont have to believe in it, all we want to do is read and talk about it" and hes liek "its all fiction to me" and iwas like "how much of the bible have you read" and he shut up. so, we'll see, please pray that god will help me change his heart, my dad is one of the most important people in my lives, hes quite possibly the closets person to me despite that my parents are divorced and such. i wish my parents werent divorced. its so hard trying to be the same person both places. even now- they have a completely differnt view of me. i just hope my dad starts asking questions about the bible. about god.
ok, really, goodnight.
i miss my friends, imiss feeling like theres people i can totally commpletely honestly trust with everything, and then it occured to me- is there ever going ot be that person? i mean, even married people... do they feel that about thier spouse? and then i got to thinking about that phrase (i havent a clue where it origionated) about how god is the only one that can completely fill us, about how theres a god shaped hole in everyones heart and its up to us to fill that with him, not with any false idols. but i forget that, or, sometimes i remember it, and i feel so selfish (well, i dont feel selfish at the time, i feel selfish looking back on it) and want to just constently be pleasing myself witht hings i think i want, or things i think i need. like, i'll think to myself and be liek "i really need a friend, more friends, a best friend" and i'll go ff an try a million things to get closer to people, and it'll work! so i'll get so used to trying to be that way and feeling so confident from teh success of it that why would iw ant to go back to being somebody who wasnt focused on making friends, when, i know by keeping up what im doing now i'll remain happy? and then i think to myself "wait, what kind of happiness is this?" i shouldnt remain to be keeping myself falsely happy, i mean, why continue to do somethign that, in the long run, wont last forever if you dont keep putting in the same amount of effort- if not more. and so then i get anxious and stressed out that i havent been "living the right way or how i should be" and i feel so guilty and so selfish- which may not always be bad just so long as they result in a optimistic resolution. but i still have suchtorn feelings about how i want to live. and ive figured out that im trying to live my life so godly and so enrichingly (if thats a word) that i cant make up my mind which path i want to take. not to say theres two distinct paths i can choose from, i just constently fee torn between one thing and another- and usually i dont have a clue what it is. do this or do that. well, theres lots of "this'" and sometimes even more "thats". and im so tierd from it all but i love hanging out with a million people because ithink theyre wonderful people and i definetally want to get to know them more, so why do i feel this way? amybe its because though i feel so much more confident than i have in the past, i feel like the steeper i climb the harder the fall will be orrrrrr, im jumping to conclusions about how they view me, and im someone that likes to imagine what others think of me because i want to witness and i want to take people opinions of me into consideratioon when i do things, i want people to be able to look at me and think "shes a good person, she's really trying hard to live right and make good decisions and i look up to her" you know? like, who doesnt want people to feel that way about them? and so then i thin koh my gosh maybe im coming off as somebody they dont even really like all that much. and i like to ahve people like and want to know me. i dono what the heck im saying right now im totally ranting possibly way off topic, and i dono how this evolved into a topic about me liking people liking me because that sounds totally self-absorbed but im just saying i want people to get to know me like i want to get to know people- i long to meet new people and hear what they have to say and talk to them about things and agree or dirsagree.
i want to keep writing so badly but i know i hould go, im tierd, im hungry, i have a lot of studying to do, i need to research some more about my psat scores because i dont understand how to read them hahah, all i can say is i got a 52 on critical reading, a 55 in math, a 54 in writing skills, totaling to a selection index of 161. and im absolutely terrible at the hawrd questions for all three sections. but, i dont have asterik next to my selection index number, which is a good sign- im not evxactly sure why though.
man do my arms hurt from typing, i dont hink i've typed this quickly and like.. ferociously (hahah) in a long time, well plus swimming has been chellenging me. i have my first meet tomorrow- and no idea what event im doing. not a clue. it better not be breast stroke or butterfly, and DEFINETALY not more than 50 yards or meters or whatever we measure the pool in.
goodnight and god bless.
actually, the other day somebody i hardly ever even met sent me a message that said they look up to me for trying ot be a good christian and try to be a great friend and it was such a heart warming suprise that i couldnt help but praise god for having her say that because its something i needed to hear just then after thinking for so long about how i wanted to be one person and wanted to be another person and it helped me remember my priorities and kept me in check :)
and it was beautiful.
OH YEAH, one more thing- my dads fam is going to start reading the bible!!! and they are NOT religious at ALL. my dad not only doesnt believe in god, but despises the idea of god, and yet, out of some miracle, not exactly agreed to read it, but didnt bock the idea out completely- i think he just likes reading the stories, he brought up jonah and the whale, and my nana ran upstairs and get her childrens bible stories book and handed it to me and i read the story, and nana said we should do that more ofton, and my dad rolled his eyes and slammed the book cover and was like i dont agree with any of this, come onnn, and my aunt was like no no itd be good, and i obviuosly was pumped, and i said "come on dad, you dont have to believe in it, all we want to do is read and talk about it" and hes liek "its all fiction to me" and iwas like "how much of the bible have you read" and he shut up. so, we'll see, please pray that god will help me change his heart, my dad is one of the most important people in my lives, hes quite possibly the closets person to me despite that my parents are divorced and such. i wish my parents werent divorced. its so hard trying to be the same person both places. even now- they have a completely differnt view of me. i just hope my dad starts asking questions about the bible. about god.
ok, really, goodnight.
12.09.2006
feeling pretty lame
ok so i was JUST going to go watch the break up but i read this survey and figured i'd feel it out considering ive come to terms with the fact that im pretty lame hahah
1. What color is your bra?
"skin color" aka way too dark tan
2. Did you ever lie about your age?
nah, at least, not that i remember
3. Do you prefer "sensitive boys" or "tough guys"?
both
4. Do you prefer blonde or brunette guys?
i tend to be more attracted to blondes, i dont have a clue why, but i dont prefer a certain hair color, thats silly :)
5. Are you currently single?
yessiree
6. How many things in your past do you regret?
hmm, i dont think i regret anything
7. Did you answer number six truthfully?
as of right now, yes. i mean, i suppose when im wcicked depressed and hate my life i regret things but that hasnt been all that ofton lately
8. Do you have best friends?
kind of, well, yeah i guess
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
everything!!
10. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
maybe
11. Where do you shop to buy most of your clothes?
wherever, i mix it up a bit, if it fits + isnt too price, i buy it no matter what store its from
12. Who was the last person you hugged?
kerry about 20 mionutes ago when i left her house :D after not having been there for a million years
13. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes
14.Have you ever lied to a boyfriend?
no way josay
15. Have you ever wanted someone but you knew you couldn't?
couldnt? no, i dont forbid myself from going out with people..
16. Have you ever felt like killing somebody?
na, thats too morbid for me to really think about, waste of a thought, really
17. If you could change anything about your past, what would you change?
hmm, i dont know... well, i have a couple ideas i guess, not that i regret certain things i just feel like, knowing what i know now, i could do things differently
18. Do you like your life?
for the most part yeah i am pretty satisfied with it
19. Do you shop at Hollister?
no i had never actually been in there, ever, untill today, which is kind of ironic i guess
20. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
no hahah
21. Has one of your friends ever stabbed you in the back?
yes
22. Did you forgive them?
yes, but we never went back to the way things were before
23. Who was your first best friend?
i dont remember, i have pictures from when i lived in salem, and there was this one girl who was my neighbor and we were best friends, but i dont have any memory of it, which is pretty sad :(
24. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
hmm, an even amount i think- if not, boys
25. How long have you had myspace?
dont have a clue
26. Have you ever skipped school?
yes
27. Has anyone ever cheated on you?
yes
28. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
yes haha
29. If so why?
depended on the boy 1 said a really racist comment knowing the consequences, another was being soooo immature, another needed a wake up call, quite literally hahah
30. What is one of your biggest fears of your life?
not living my time to the fullest
31. Have you ever skipped class?
noo
32. Has anyone close to you ever passed away?
yes
33. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
yes
34. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
yes hahah
35. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater?
noo
39. So far, do you like this survey?
i suppose
40. Have you ever had a good feeling about something and it turned out you were right?
yess
41. Do you ever wish you were famous?
yess
42. Do you ever wish you were a man?
noo, i mean, sometimes it does stink being a girl, but i donttt want to be a man
1. What color is your bra?
"skin color" aka way too dark tan
2. Did you ever lie about your age?
nah, at least, not that i remember
3. Do you prefer "sensitive boys" or "tough guys"?
both
4. Do you prefer blonde or brunette guys?
i tend to be more attracted to blondes, i dont have a clue why, but i dont prefer a certain hair color, thats silly :)
5. Are you currently single?
yessiree
6. How many things in your past do you regret?
hmm, i dont think i regret anything
7. Did you answer number six truthfully?
as of right now, yes. i mean, i suppose when im wcicked depressed and hate my life i regret things but that hasnt been all that ofton lately
8. Do you have best friends?
kind of, well, yeah i guess
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
everything!!
10. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
maybe
11. Where do you shop to buy most of your clothes?
wherever, i mix it up a bit, if it fits + isnt too price, i buy it no matter what store its from
12. Who was the last person you hugged?
kerry about 20 mionutes ago when i left her house :D after not having been there for a million years
13. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes
14.Have you ever lied to a boyfriend?
no way josay
15. Have you ever wanted someone but you knew you couldn't?
couldnt? no, i dont forbid myself from going out with people..
16. Have you ever felt like killing somebody?
na, thats too morbid for me to really think about, waste of a thought, really
17. If you could change anything about your past, what would you change?
hmm, i dont know... well, i have a couple ideas i guess, not that i regret certain things i just feel like, knowing what i know now, i could do things differently
18. Do you like your life?
for the most part yeah i am pretty satisfied with it
19. Do you shop at Hollister?
no i had never actually been in there, ever, untill today, which is kind of ironic i guess
20. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
no hahah
21. Has one of your friends ever stabbed you in the back?
yes
22. Did you forgive them?
yes, but we never went back to the way things were before
23. Who was your first best friend?
i dont remember, i have pictures from when i lived in salem, and there was this one girl who was my neighbor and we were best friends, but i dont have any memory of it, which is pretty sad :(
24. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
hmm, an even amount i think- if not, boys
25. How long have you had myspace?
dont have a clue
26. Have you ever skipped school?
yes
27. Has anyone ever cheated on you?
yes
28. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
yes haha
29. If so why?
depended on the boy 1 said a really racist comment knowing the consequences, another was being soooo immature, another needed a wake up call, quite literally hahah
30. What is one of your biggest fears of your life?
not living my time to the fullest
31. Have you ever skipped class?
noo
32. Has anyone close to you ever passed away?
yes
33. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
yes
34. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
yes hahah
35. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater?
noo
39. So far, do you like this survey?
i suppose
40. Have you ever had a good feeling about something and it turned out you were right?
yess
41. Do you ever wish you were famous?
yess
42. Do you ever wish you were a man?
noo, i mean, sometimes it does stink being a girl, but i donttt want to be a man
