You're my sweet charade

just like every other christian in the world i think sometimes i get too wrapped up in living my life than living for god. i mean, it makes sense if you think about it, sometimes we get carried away with the missions we're sent on or just activities of daily life. i think we let things get too impersonal sometimes, or fall into such routines that we dont allow ourselves to look at everything with a fresh outlook every morning. i dont reall yknow what im saying right now but i just feel like writing? you ever get that way? you think to yourself "wow i ahvent had a deep thought or havent really reflected on things in a while" and you kind of.. yearn to? i dont know, maybe its some wierd thing. anyway, im feeling reflective.

i miss my friends, imiss feeling like theres people i can totally commpletely honestly trust with everything, and then it occured to me- is there ever going ot be that person? i mean, even married people... do they feel that about thier spouse? and then i got to thinking about that phrase (i havent a clue where it origionated) about how god is the only one that can completely fill us, about how theres a god shaped hole in everyones heart and its up to us to fill that with him, not with any false idols. but i forget that, or, sometimes i remember it, and i feel so selfish (well, i dont feel selfish at the time, i feel selfish looking back on it) and want to just constently be pleasing myself witht hings i think i want, or things i think i need. like, i'll think to myself and be liek "i really need a friend, more friends, a best friend" and i'll go ff an try a million things to get closer to people, and it'll work! so i'll get so used to trying to be that way and feeling so confident from teh success of it that why would iw ant to go back to being somebody who wasnt focused on making friends, when, i know by keeping up what im doing now i'll remain happy? and then i think to myself "wait, what kind of happiness is this?" i shouldnt remain to be keeping myself falsely happy, i mean, why continue to do somethign that, in the long run, wont last forever if you dont keep putting in the same amount of effort- if not more. and so then i get anxious and stressed out that i havent been "living the right way or how i should be" and i feel so guilty and so selfish- which may not always be bad just so long as they result in a optimistic resolution. but i still have suchtorn feelings about how i want to live. and ive figured out that im trying to live my life so godly and so enrichingly (if thats a word) that i cant make up my mind which path i want to take. not to say theres two distinct paths i can choose from, i just constently fee torn between one thing and another- and usually i dont have a clue what it is. do this or do that. well, theres lots of "this'" and sometimes even more "thats". and im so tierd from it all but i love hanging out with a million people because ithink theyre wonderful people and i definetally want to get to know them more, so why do i feel this way? amybe its because though i feel so much more confident than i have in the past, i feel like the steeper i climb the harder the fall will be orrrrrr, im jumping to conclusions about how they view me, and im someone that likes to imagine what others think of me because i want to witness and i want to take people opinions of me into consideratioon when i do things, i want people to be able to look at me and think "shes a good person, she's really trying hard to live right and make good decisions and i look up to her" you know? like, who doesnt want people to feel that way about them? and so then i thin koh my gosh maybe im coming off as somebody they dont even really like all that much. and i like to ahve people like and want to know me. i dono what the heck im saying right now im totally ranting possibly way off topic, and i dono how this evolved into a topic about me liking people liking me because that sounds totally self-absorbed but im just saying i want people to get to know me like i want to get to know people- i long to meet new people and hear what they have to say and talk to them about things and agree or dirsagree.

i want to keep writing so badly but i know i hould go, im tierd, im hungry, i have a lot of studying to do, i need to research some more about my psat scores because i dont understand how to read them hahah, all i can say is i got a 52 on critical reading, a 55 in math, a 54 in writing skills, totaling to a selection index of 161. and im absolutely terrible at the hawrd questions for all three sections. but, i dont have asterik next to my selection index number, which is a good sign- im not evxactly sure why though.

man do my arms hurt from typing, i dont hink i've typed this quickly and like.. ferociously (hahah) in a long time, well plus swimming has been chellenging me. i have my first meet tomorrow- and no idea what event im doing. not a clue. it better not be breast stroke or butterfly, and DEFINETALY not more than 50 yards or meters or whatever we measure the pool in.

goodnight and god bless.

actually, the other day somebody i hardly ever even met sent me a message that said they look up to me for trying ot be a good christian and try to be a great friend and it was such a heart warming suprise that i couldnt help but praise god for having her say that because its something i needed to hear just then after thinking for so long about how i wanted to be one person and wanted to be another person and it helped me remember my priorities and kept me in check :)

and it was beautiful.

OH YEAH, one more thing- my dads fam is going to start reading the bible!!! and they are NOT religious at ALL. my dad not only doesnt believe in god, but despises the idea of god, and yet, out of some miracle, not exactly agreed to read it, but didnt bock the idea out completely- i think he just likes reading the stories, he brought up jonah and the whale, and my nana ran upstairs and get her childrens bible stories book and handed it to me and i read the story, and nana said we should do that more ofton, and my dad rolled his eyes and slammed the book cover and was like i dont agree with any of this, come onnn, and my aunt was like no no itd be good, and i obviuosly was pumped, and i said "come on dad, you dont have to believe in it, all we want to do is read and talk about it" and hes liek "its all fiction to me" and iwas like "how much of the bible have you read" and he shut up. so, we'll see, please pray that god will help me change his heart, my dad is one of the most important people in my lives, hes quite possibly the closets person to me despite that my parents are divorced and such. i wish my parents werent divorced. its so hard trying to be the same person both places. even now- they have a completely differnt view of me. i just hope my dad starts asking questions about the bible. about god.

ok, really, goodnight.