You're my sweet charade

youre forcing me to confront Him
i dont want to, please dont make me
yet i want ot pray for oyu so badly
because i want you to be ok
and be alright and happy and optimistic and everything
and i want to see you doing well
and you asked me for this favor
and i cant wait to help you
but i cant confront Him
im just not ready yet
i dont know what to believe
or what to think
or how to start
"i know its beeen a while.."
and i say i live for Him
and i DO, i live as salt of the earth
as the light of the earth
and witness to others
and talk about Him and His being
i dont always glorify, though
i dont glorify
i dont know how
i dont know what to do
and what not to do
i ask for signs, for help
i ask to know whats ok and whats not
i say "is this alright? is this not alright?"
but i dont understand the reply
its all twisted and filled with earthly influences
i think. or maybe its crystal clear
i cant help but second guess everything
i want so badly to understand things
so as to never dissapoint or let Him down
and im always so anxious in everything i do
because i just. dont. know. if its ok
so please, im crying and its only making me tired
im thinking about things and its only giving me headaches
im reading about things and the words get jumbled and mis-interpreted
am i missing the big picture?
am i overlooking the biggest clue?
god help me.