You're my sweet charade

well ive been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a godo christian and how i should live and how incredibly hard i know its going to be living in the society that our culture has developed today. and i feel like im going to be really tested- new things are gonan pop up that i wont have a clue about, and so ive been trying to really focus and figure out what i want in life, what i think i need in life. and ive been working on making friends all over the place and its put e way up on cloud nine- i mean, not only is it obvioulsy confidence boosting but its really enforcing the fact that i should knwo who i am and i how i kind of fi tin with the world. or dont.

anyway, i know that was realyl deep just now but im in a really deep mood lately and i want to write all about what mr. ball matt balls dad said last night at the youth group we organized at their house. i mean, he told us his testimony. his own personal private coming-to-god story. not many people will willingly bare themselves like that to people they dont know very well. and so not only was his story absolutely mind-blowing but i couldnt get over just how powerful godreally was in his life. not only when he was saved, but the fact that this man was so strong in his faith that he told us his stroy, all great and over-the-top aspect of it. so then i was thinking that he todl that story for a reason, of course, cuz im in the state of mind that everthing happens for a reason and god doesnt just throw things your way to se ehow you handle them but to teach you something or show you something about yourself that you never knew. and so i jsut sat there completely awestuck about how god was using other peopel around me righ tthen and there. and it just amazed me.

any way i want to write more later on but i cant right now cuz my moms right here and i cant really focus/think that well right now anyway.

but i really do want to continue.

and my back hurts. hmm. maybe i'l just go to bed.

im so so so so so nervous about startingn swimming tomorrow, i need to pary about that tonight. oh gosh, why am i so nervous? whhyyy??

i feel like im nervous about everything now. but its an exhilerating kind of nervous. the kind of nervous that i want to dominate, you know? i like the feeling of challening myself like that- proving that i dont need to be anxious, that everything, despite however i feel right now, will work out and be ok in the end. thats what i need to be telling myself: "we're all ok"

thank you jewel.

and i know god lives, i see him alive and living in so many people in my life and i thin ktahts just wonderful and i cant get over it for even a second.