You're my sweet charade

ok, ben and i broke up. its ok though, i mean, sure im sad, sure im lonely? who wouldnt be after breaking up with somebody you went out with for officially 9 months to the day, but seemingly even longer than that? no pity though, our relationship kind of dwindled down towards the end of it- we both knew it wasnt like it used to be anyway, and were a little bit dissapointed with how unable we were to keep things going. ben and i came to a mutual decision that had been on our minds, come to find out, for quite sometime.

whats really great is that im starting to accept that everything happens for a reason. call me cliche, but i try to look for signs and messages in my life. call me corny, but i feel like god is trying to get messages to me all the time. i ask him for help, and he helps me- though sometimes i may not have a clue. he sends clues all over the place and its up to us to find them out. mine and bens relationship was something i couldnt figure out for the life of me. i felt like god was either testing me, or telling me. saying it should end, or testing me to see how far we could hang on. i guess it was the first one. i think andrews right, maybe i am a littlel superstious about my life. ive never really liked not knowing things, the future stresses me out, though most people may not realize it. i appear to be a fun carefree somebody who loves to be spontaneious but i think what im afraid of is that whenever im done with a certain phase, aka highschool, im going to be completely unprepared and have no idea what step to take next, you know? or i cant figure out whats best for me even right now, so gods been helping me through that a lot lately. im so glad he made the relationship clear because it was driving me nuts for so long and i had no idea what to do about it.

also, for some reason i have yet to figure out, ive been hanging out and getting to know will a lot lately. weve been getting together to watch movies, east icecream, just talk, and run errands, is that wierd? hahah, i dont know, nor do oi care. its fun. tonight we went ot barnes and noble. im desperately trying to figure out what gods plannign for me right now, i havent a clue. why is he sending me will? or, am i being sent to will? i mean, with ben, i feel like ben was kind of sent ot me, because there were so many positive things ive taken away from our friendship/relationship. so, how is god using will in my life? i know this is a really deep topic but i read the bible for i dont know how long sunday night after i got home from talking with ben, anyway, it was over an hour and i found a few passages in particular that reminded how god is always with his sons and daughters, how we should trust, and look to him for how our lives should be. im hoping to take careful consideration now to draw out everything god wants me to know in each situation i go through everyday.

wish me luck, i hope you think about doing the same.

oh yeah, i'll keep you updated on why i think will and i's friendship is growing. i have some ideas, maybe gods just trying to help me get on with developing friendships with people who im going ot need in the future, he wants me to remember what its like to feel like i have a best friend. i dono. maybe hes reminding me of al the relationship advice ive ever given out, because being wils friend calls for having some handy thoughts about how to handle relationships [thats all i'll say will, dont worry].

im going to look up some realyl great quotes from a book i read last year, because i miss them.