You're my sweet charade

how is it, that we can feel like we loose something without ever having it? does that make sense? i know people have wondered this before me, yet, it never ceases to amaze me that no one has found a satisfying answer. i mean, its so strange, really, to see something one way, only to find out another person doesn't see that same way at all. and i mean, why be dissaopinted about it, after all its all about different view points. its so so hard to try and explain and express all of this without revealing too much. im trying to turn less into a less personal and more broad scope of thinking. i dono, maybe its not working very well and even if this entry doesnt make sense it just goes to show how jumbled up everything is in my mind right now.

why am i down? why am i so dissapointed? i just dont understand it. i guess its because i have a hard time figuring things out- im so paranoid and need to know everything and understand everything that ive been overwhelmingly DEPENDANT on my view and my interpretation of things- that is to say, when i realize im wrong its the end of the world because now i dont no what to think .its suddenly realizing everything youve been planning your life around is suddenly completely wrong, meaning- things need to change. its shoking to find youve been living a lie, wouldnt you say? ok, perhaps im being a litle dramatic, just think of what i explained to you- only, on a smaller scale- thats basically how i feel.

i went to a book store today, and bought a prequel (possibly spelled wrong) to a book i read last year. the one i bought today is titled "things my mother doesnt know" and it comes before "that hideous book where the mother dies." the reason i like them so much is because theyre written in prose. ironic eh? just yseterday i was craving prose, i was craving poetic explinations and depictions of everyday life. gods really been watching out for me lately, i know it even by seeing something as small as supplying me with something i felt i needed- a good, well-written book. im hoping that once i start reading again, i mean really reading and trying ot comprehend, ill feel a little bit more secure about my own life- ill be preoccupied and stop worrying about things so much. i'll keep you updated on how its going.

i'd just like to quote a couple things, im only 20 pages into it or so, but anyway:

"we fall into step
in the crowded hall
without even glancing
at each other,

but his little finger
finds mine,
hooking us
together,

and all the clatter
of the corridor fades away
till the only sound i can hear
is the whispering of our fingers."

andd on page 66..
"i wish i could drink a magic potion and
shrink way down till i was small
enough to fit right into his
shirt pocket and live
there tucked near to
his heart listening
to it beating in
rhythm with
mine every
minute of
every
day."
(its meant to be a triangle... except i cant show it easily on the computor)


"hes drawing my nose.
im drawing his mouth.

hes drawing my mouth.
im drawing his nose.

hes drawing my eyes.
im drawing his eyes,

and suddenly i notice
that theyre smiling into mine.

so i let my eyes
smile back at his,

and no one sees
but us."

// posted by RACH @ 11:21 PM