You're my sweet charade

(finally)

"and all of it reminds me that i am alive, that i am having some kind of experience, some kind of thing is happening to me the way it is happening to the crops, how for months they come into themselves under the soil, made from the elements of the soil... just stuff getting born, just stuff dying and going back to dirt, st rolling around in the cosmos like foul weather. it stikes me that i am like this... and my family, and my friends, we are all just getting born, just growing up, just dying off.

the trouble with you and me is we are used to what is happening to us. we grew into our lives like a kernel beneath the earth, never able to process the enigma of our composition. think about this for a moment: if you werent a baby and you came to earth as a human with a fully developed brain and had the full weight of the molecular experience occur to you at once, you would ahrdly have the capacity to respond in any cognative way to your experience. bu tbecause we were born as babies and had to be taught to speak, we think all of this is normal. well, it isnt normal. nothing is normal. its all rather odd, isnt it, our eyes in our heads our hands with five fingers, the capacity to understand beauty, to feel love, to feel pain.

it turns out a droplet of our knowledge is a bit lost in the ocean of our unknowing. so much so we are still stabbing at fairy tales. and what i really mean by this is that science itself is not capable of presenting a why. that is, in order to subscribe to a why (an objective rather than a subkective why) you have to subscribe to some theory about God or aliens. and yet the mind needs a why, jus as the body needs food.

it is true that some do not do well with conventional life. they think outside things and can't make sense of a following line. they see no walls, only doors from open space to open space, and from open space, suoosedly, to the mind of God, or at least this is what we hope for them, and what they hope for themseelves.

and i could not have known then that if i had been born here, i would have elft here, gone someplace south to deal withorses, to get on some open land where you can see tomorrow's strom brewing over a high desert. i could not have known then that everybody, ever person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. the seasons remind me that i must keep changing, and i want to change because it is Gods way. all my life i have been changing. i changed from ababy to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. i changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend money. i will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses to live near water, amd again so e are near mountians, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, a cycle of change. everybody has to leave, every has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

tiem has pressed you and me into a book, this tiny chapter we share together, this vapor of a scene, pulling our seconds into minutes and minutes into hours. everything we were is no more, and what we will become, will become what was.

No, life cannot be understodo on a flat page, it has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath. it's a living book, this life; it folds out in a million settings, cast with a billion beautiful characters, and it is almost over for you. it deosnt matter how old you are; it is coming to a lcose quickly, and soon the credits will roll and all your friends will fold out of your funeral and drive back to their homes in cold and still silence., and they wil make a fire and pour some wine and think about how you once were... and feel a kind of sickness at the idea you never again will be.

and so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some sumemr and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. my hope is your story will eb about changing, about gettting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman, or a man, or about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountians, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. we get one story, you and i, one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. it would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

it might be time for you to go. it might be time to change, to shine out.

i want to repeat one word for you:

LEAVE."


thats all a HUGE quote from "through painted deserts" by a man named donald miller AND I THINK YOU SHOULD READ IT ASAP because its a glorious book and makes you FEEL something.

thats kind of what ive been thinking about recently. well.. its all ive really been thinking about, actually. and all the ways or things people try that will make them feel something. smoking. drinking. reading. writing. driving. praying. listening to music. whatevering. most of the time people try things, its NOT peer pressure. its because theyre curious. its because they wonder about things, thats all. i mean, sometimes they may think some things work better than others based on that "things" personality. im worried about things like that. what people do. sure, fine, try some things out. im not saying go smoke like a chimmney or chug 4 bottles of whiskey every weekend, im saying try it ONCE just so you know, and then move on. theres no way you're going to understand something until you've experienced it. thats the concept that im begining to come to terms with.

and i dont say that to say i drink or smoke, or to justify anything i do personally.

you know what really bothered me the other day? without giving up too much information, i was so mad at a friend of mine because she was making a huuuugee deal about this and laughing about the fact that people get high at one of the most innapropriate times. and i couldnt say anything to her at the moment, and i havent talked to her about it yet, so i plan on doing that soon, but aghghh i mean.. comeon.. have a little more RESPECT for people, will ya? she is DEFINETALLY the type of person who doesnt find anything wrong with speaking every single thing thats on her mind whenever it pops into her head, thats for sure.

gahoaglsjgalglgjsdlgs

i hate school. i only like going to lunch so i can see my friends. science sucks because i have an A- even though i know every single thing we're doing so well and im the only one who pays attention. im pissed that my friends copy my work and have hgiher grades. i'll admit it, that really bothers me. dont ask me how im not A+ing it, and dont say i shouldnt be complaining because "at least i hav ean A-" or anything like that. i dont want to hear it- i need to boost my GPA like.. now. i have a lower GPA than people who i know get high and party every nighty. what the hell!?! and spanish.. oh gosh.. we havent done anythign all year, and suddenly we're being asked to pay attention- finally- thank you, woman! but the rest of ym class doesnt seem to be accepting that very well. it ticks me off that they arent even LETTING her try. i mean, shes not the greatest teacher, shes actualyl kind of crummy, but god people COME ON. drawing is nice- im SO behind though. and i am afraid i wont do well in it because i have some pieces that arent due due tomorrow, even though im doing all tshes asking but BECAUSE im trying to be so thorough and make it come out good im way behind. ya know? like i said, lunch is good. i like being with my friend at my circle table. tehres 5 of us, sometimes one of my friends friends comes to sit with us, which makes it fun.

one of my friends, one that copies my science work occasionally, is dirving me NUTS, it seems like all she has to do is complain or be sarcastic. i cant take it anymore. shes negative, im not, we clash. and she makes so many "jokes" but they bother me a lot :(

im really really really nervous about prom because the person who i would love to go with the most i feel i could never ask because he wouldnt want ot come/i dont know him well enough. i mean, im afraid he will feel like i dont know him well enough to consider him. does that make any sense? but i must say hes so fun, so welcoming and friendly, and so funny that i feel like he would be the ideal date. im afraid sometimes hes like that though because he feels like he should be.. you know? like.. i cant figure him out at all.. i dono what he means by it.. and that scares me to pieces. im completely terrified of how i come off to him, and what he thinks of me, and its hard for me to get out of the state of mind that his opinion matters- because i think hes amazing. now i sound like a sketch. awesome. its on april 27th, which makes it less than a month away. so i really need to ask someone asap. i think i know who i'm going to end up asking-and i know i will have a lot of fun with this guy because hes so friendly and outgoing that he seems to never be able to NOT have fun. you know what i mean? we'll see..

i dono really what else to say. i mean, i could defintally say so much MORE, but there are so many things i dont want to reveal to "the public." or things that im not ready to admit. or things that im avoiding talking about because im afraid people wont "approve" of my thoughts. surprisingly, im not as stressed out as i sound. at least.. i think im not. but now that im thinking about it.. maybs im actually still in "breakdown" mode but im in denial. oh my god. ahhh. i am driving myself insane with all this crap.

i went to starbucks with one of my oldest best friends who i havent seen fort three years!!! that was on... monday. we caught up on so much stuff and filled eachother in our lives and boys and school and familys and future plans and coincidentally enough we are both looking into the same college in california! no kidding.. it was so wonderful and it made my monday amazing and i love her and i miss her so much. im so glad we talked and reminded eachother that we're there for one another.

i really feel like gods been using me.. or testing me.. or a little bit of both.. when i comes to social aspects of life. hes sent me SOO many new people. honestly.. i could name 30 off the top of my head right now. and they're all different types of people from all over the place and different social groups and everything and its been so amazing getting to know them and learning about their lives and lifestyles, the only thing is that i have no idea what im supposed to DO. how do i take advantage of this... what is god setting me up for.. i dont want ot accidentally pass up an opportunity to do something.. but my problem is that i dont know WHAT to do so imafraid i'll either never figure it out and loose touch with them.. or figure it out too late and loose touch with them and have it be really awkward when i try to grow closer to them again. im hoping tha ti figure this out soon because its bene increasingly more confusing every time i talk to them.. i dont know what i should say. theres so many things i WANT from our new friendships.. so many things im getting or coudl get from them... but i dont know what im supposed to be GIVING back. i need help here, Big Guy.

ive been coughing sneezing and blowing my nose all day and my body aches like the dickins (or whatever) and im exhausted beyond belief. i was delisional and slurring my words at dinner tonight with my dad. he probably thinks im no drugs. which, for all i know i could be- i have no idea whats going on about 70% of the time. oh lord, when will this end. my body is like.. in constant misery. at first it was a drag. and then it was pissing me off. but now i just cant help but laugh- which truley shows im going insane.

im mad. not angry mad. crazy mad. goodnight.