You're my sweet charade

so, without revealing too much of myself, i think im finally starting to understand myselfa little bit more. have you ever done something, and wondered in retrospect why you'd done it? like, what made you commmit that, follow through on that action, or say that? well, ive made some decisions in my past that i never quite understood, i couldnt figure out why exactly i felt a certain way, but talking to one of my friends the other day sparked some thinking and i think i've latched onto something, at least, a little relevant- possibly?

i like ot help people. i liek to raise them up and inspire them to be all that they can be. live out their dreams. set goals that are aboe the clouds. make them feel priceless, make them feel like they can do anything, be anything, and feel anything. i would be willing to do anything to make that possible- for anybody. i guess its just that i have such faith in people, in humans, to want to be themselves and do everything they want. call me naive, call optimism a fault, but i really do believe that what your life is about is making yourself and others feel great, all the time. i would die for anybody if i knew that through my death they would gain self-respect, complete understanding of themselves. i'm not kidding. and i guess its wierd sometimes when people say "aw your so cute, youre so sweet, youre always so nice to everybody" when,i just want to say "whats so special about that? dont set me higher than anybody else just because im nice to people all the time, i feel like im just doing my job as a person." i hate hate feeling better than other people, i never like seeing anybody- much less CAUSING anybody to be in pain, feel bad about themselves, feel unimportant. because, you see, EVERYBODY is important, even if you dont realize it, everyone is inspiring in some way and has abilities that can provoke change in the world. so, a lot of time, if i ever feel like im being too nice, or if i feel like people are looking up to me, i'll do just about anything to lower myself back down. cause flaws purposefully because i want to be like other people, i want people to see hey im human too- im not happy all the time even though you say i am. only my closest friends would know what i mean when i say i do things to cause imperfection. its wierd, sometimes i get so caught up in everybody elses lives i start to loose track of my own, and its hard. it hurts so bad when you start feeling everybody elses pain. you wan tot help so bad, and you wear yourself out and push your own needs aside and become so selfless that you loose who you are. not knowing who you are, what you're doing, or who you want to be is one of the worst feelings in the world cuz you've lost the knowledge of how to handle situations, you no longer know how to live your life. i blame myself for getting so caught up and trying too hard to be nice that i, in a way, punish myself for it. i get so frusterated with myslf because i feel too deeply and put myself, CAUSE depression. does this make any sense at all? that one of the seemingly most spirited, optimistic, helpful , selfless people is also one of the most disoriented, confused, angry, depressed? does this make sense? i feel so stripped right now, as if i just reveald so much to everybody, when i know theres so much more i could have said.

i dont like feel naked around people i dont know. even people i DO know. nobody knows everything about me. nobody. and i dont think i want anybody too. maybe i'll send something into postsecret.com but still, even then, i want to push things down as deep as i can and just forget all about everything i ever metnioned or thought about this topic.

but im still going to post this entry. its so hard too, though.

i guess i just need to start trusting that everything will be ok. when the world is falling down, and it seems like your life is over and theres nothign to stop it, its so important to realize that nothing will ever happen to you that you and god cant handle. sure, you may not be able to handle things on your own, or you may be able to, but god is always there and would never put you through anything he knew you couldnt push through.
one of my favorite passages from the bible is proverbs 16:9
"in his heart a man plans his course
but the lord determines his steps"
He always knows whats going on in your life, in fact, hes a part of everything you go through.

proverbs 3: 3
"let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

proverbs 3: 5
"trust in the lord with all your hearts
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

galatians 6: 9-10
"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people...

romans 12.