You're my sweet charade

dear journal,

i know i havent updated in a long time, but ive just been either really busy, or really lazy, sorry. things have been so out of control and wierd these past few weeks that i havent gotten into a routine yet, at all. i just cant seem to find any sort of balance that both sides of me are happy with. i mean like, i can either be socially really happy, or really crumy, same with school. i want things to be good in both areas of my life, but when ones great, the others always bad. i feel so torn between who i want to be, and who i am- as if im trying to be an entirely different person and fit in with entirely different people than i have been my whole life. i feel like theres way too many things im hoping for and that i want, but none of them can possibly be. i guess what im feeling is the desire to do and become so many different things, adn the pressure to chose, but not the ability to. i suppose ive gotten into the state of mind that one decision can rule my entire life. the future kind of hit me hard this year, or, rather, the realization that the futures right around the corner and i need to start being prepared now. you knokw, i used to say that i was afraid of the future- because i had no idea what to expect, but, now im realizing (i guess i was either too immature or didnt want ot admit it to myself) that im not afraid of what the future will hold for me, but WHAT it could hold. im afraid of making that decision, im afraid of screwing up and not nesecarrily "ruining my life" but wasting my money, my time, not taking advantage of things. i mean, of course people will say what is mean tot happen will happen, or, that i'll know whats right when i see it, or something like that, but what if theyre WRONG? what will i do THEN? im trerrified of going down the wrong path, i mean, i have faith that i can always go back, but i dont want to have to deal witht hat. i have no idea how to express so much ambivilance. its ruining my life. worrying about my life, is killing me. tomorrow is bens birthday, hes going to be eighteen. my whole world is growing up around me right before my eyes and theres nothign i can do about it. its only confusing me more about what it will be like at the end of this year, how he'll be goign away either to study in another country for a year, or to college. what will i do then? i cant manage my life without him in it. i know it sounds crazy cuz im only a junior in highschool, but my friends and the relationships i hav enow are the only thing that keeps me waking up in the morning, honeslty. i think i need to take antidepressants or something, anything, i hate this. nothing lasts forever, really. i mean, deerwander this year didnt even get to me- last year it was absolutely amazing, and yet, not once was i so deeply feeling god in my life that i cried. i cried once, at teh campfire, i dont even know why i cried there. maybe it was because of god working in me, i dont know. i want to be a photographer though, whenever i go driving, i see something i want to photograph, thats what i want for me birthday- a really nice camera. i cant wait to tell my mom. i feel guilty easily, so so easily. i hate myself for so many things because of stupid guilt. i know its bad, but i cant help it. last time they got me a camera for my birthday it didnt work right and the warrenty expired before i could return it- what a waste of 200 dolalrs. well, i dono if it was really 200 dollars, but it sure looked expensive. i want a godo one though, and i want to be confident when i go out to take my pictures. oh yeah, an di want to start painting again. maybe thats what i'll do sometime. ahh i feel liek i have no time. i dread my life its become so stressful. nobody should dread their life. aahhhh, why do i let myself feel this way?? agh, i dont know. maybe i'll just go to bed, and pray that i dont wake up till i'm 60. that way i wont have to make any decisions at all about my life, it'll just have already happened. no, i dont want that,. what the heck am i saying?! i WANT to go to collehe (just so long as i have a godo time, the classes dont kill me, and i fit in) i WANT to have a career )just so long as its the exact thing im meant to do, and pays well, and dont stress me out so much so that i want ot die) i WANT to have a family )just so long as i have it with the man of my dreams). this is the standards that i set for myself. hmm, are they a little too high? i wonder that sometimes, like, since when did i decide this for myself? and how the heck do i lower some of my expectations? or, even, should i?

love, rach