8.31.2005
slow motion
see me let go
we tend to die young
-third eye blind.
i have come back from a life changing experience and i dont want to forget a thing. have you ever felt so connected, so emotional over something? its just so entirely sacred you dont want to tell anyone about it, you want to keep it all to yourself because there is no way that any other person, your sister, your best friend, no one, could ever feel the same about something? thats how i feel. thats exactly how i feel. so much appreciation, i have this feeling, it's like, i can't even believe something could ever possibly effect me so much, and i want to tell the world thats it is possible to be changed, to have a whole new outlook on life. it is. it happens. it happend. but i want them to realize it themselves as well. i cant put anything into words right now. there are so many emotions i'm feeling right now i dont know where to begin.and i wont know where to end.
explain to me about god. everything you know about him and his work. explain to me the entire concept, and fill in the blanks. explain it from every possible angle or view you can think of, and then some. explain to, convince me, remind me. communicate with me and have him communicate with me as well. i want it all to click. and its so frusterating that its not. i want to feel so deeply about it i cry. i want to not be able to describe my feelings i want to want to hide what i know away, yet shout it out as loud i can. i dont feel it. all i am right now, is confused. ambivalent. on the edge. i want to jump right in, and i know that all i have to do is open the door and i'll be free falling, safely, in a world of answers, i wont be confused or frusterated anymore. and right now i'm in a world full of complications and misunderstandings. why cant i open that door? why? i just have to let go of my "old self" and let myself become someone else, someone better. i''m afraid of letting go though. i never saw a problem with who i was before everything started coming up,a nd suddenly this huge realization hit me: i'm not fine. i want to be fine, more than fine. what peopel need to realize, is that it is so unbelievabkly hard to let go of everything youve ever learned, been taught, realized about yourself, and put your trust completely in someone elses opinions of whats right, whats, true, and how everything should be. how can i make it easyer to change myself? i cant really, can i? i mean, thats cheating. asking for an easyer way. ugh, i'm sorry, i didnt mean to sound so selforiented. i just dont know. i dont know what i dont know about. i hate feeling this way, but i'm thankful that i've been taught so many things, talked to so many wonderful amazing people. to see so many peopel come together, so many different people with different backrounds and goals, yet they share the same basis, to see them come together for a common cause and feel so strongly, so perminetally, so wholely about something is incredible. i cant even explain the realization that hit me. i want to know i want to learn about this thing that can bring peple together like them, make them feel so unconfused, so sure. maybe this is the peace i've been looking for. maybe this is the thing that i need right now. somethign to spark my thinking, get me thinkig about who i really am, who i want to be. i dont want it to be nonsense. i dont want to trust something thats untrue. thats what im afraid of. i'm afraid of losing myself, getting a whole new self, and finding out that it;s not what i thought it was. that its not really the truth. i just want to know. and i cant pick and chose, thats wrong. very very wrong. i cant just decide i want to believe in this, and this, and this. i need to be either 100% in or 100% out. did you know that god created us humans so we could chose wether or not we believed in him? good idea. sort of. yet if we dont believe in him, we're doomed to hell? did you know that? do you realize that from my view, he's set us up for failure. he does NOT give us the option to live a happy, healthy life without believing in him, even though he makes it seem that way hwen he sayhs we were born to chose. but why is it so hard for me to accept that what i learned was what people thought and whats the truth is what i'm learning now? ahh. i believed in the theory of evolution, up intill it was questioned. but the thing is, theres proof, isnt there? read a text book, PROOF. there are samples, there is evidence. people say the bible is proof. but i dont know... thats all i have to go by, the bible could have been written by just anyone. poeple could ahve written it just so otheres would have an answer. just to put people out of the misery of confusion. its like brainwashing someone. but then again this really could be whats true, this could be what i've been wanting to hear. BUT HOW DO I KNOW? help me. i want to believe that this is the truth, and i want to believe. something in me is still clinging to the old version, the version i knew before i knew there were any other versions. i'll be reading the bible, get to me as soon as possible.
today i watched the news for the first time in months. and what was on it but something so utterly depressing, so drastic and sad i wanted to cry, right there, sitting with my dad in a booth at SPUD's for dinner in front of a bunch of strangers. and i would have too. but i didnt, because i wouldnt have been able to hear what the woman was saying through all the sobbing. there are peopel out there who need our help. my help. your help. and we can't do anything. i feel so helpless having them feel helpless. theyre dying out there. they hav eno food no water no home no medical care, they have no idea if theyre family is alive. could you imaigine what it would be like? the hurt deep down inside of you, the heart ache of not knowing if your seven year old daughter is safe, or even alive? and try as you might, it'll will take days, weeks maybe to find out. in the mean time you have no way of knowing whats being done to help you. there are people going around mugging from cvs stores not just because theres no poliece to enforce, but because thats the only way they can survive. it hits you when you see people who are helping out, who flew all the way down to new orleans and are volunteering for days at a time saving "woman and children". woman and children. having to hear those words, that theyre saving the woman and children, is heartbreaking. we as a society should never ever have to hear that there is ever a crisis where we'd need to save the woman and children. i want to go there right now. i want to hug every single person who is stuck 100's of miles away from their non-existent home. we need to all pull together. pull eachother through this. i hate not being able to comfort them. i want them to just know, to FEEL that we're here. we know whats going on. we know that despite the distance, the differeences, we're people too. dont you realize how much emotion and thought is being sparked becaues of this event? i felt the need to tape the news broadcast. not because its part of history, which it is, but because it is so important for us to see how desperate peopel are, how much lives can be altered by things we cant help, it's inevitable. you need to move out of the way or thats it. we need to accomodate things we cant stand, things we hate, things that have this wild potential to ruin us. i wanted to watch that tape over and over again. i dont know why exactly. but i felt like not only did i want to, i just NEEDED to. and i wanted to show the world. i wanted every single person to see what i saw, to realize what i realized, to want to help so bad they cry as i do. you need to know. and you need to know soon before its too late. before you dont see the full effect, because then you will never know. do you feel it? do you feel their emotions? i do. and you should too.
i feel so helpless over everything right now. i cant makedecisions anymore, i feel so burnt out from all of this thinking, yes, i does hurt, i can feel myself being drained of energy when i get so worked up over things, and crying always results in headaches. tears are stress leaving the body. remember that. works ending, schools tarting, summers ending, homeworks starting. but for me, i'm looking foward to school because i need a break of work so badly. i miss these kids already and i still have two more days with them. it hit me when i looked at a girl named lily today. she was standing in line with the brightest smile on her face holding a cup of chocoalte pudding, licking the chocolate covered spoon. it hit me how much she as all the other kids have an effect on you. they make you realize hwo important it is to be carefree and not worry so much. they make your day a little brighter. they havent progressed as much as we have, they have so much learning to do, and i want to make sure they learn whats right. i dont ever want them to have to deal with peer pressure, or worry. i want them to stay young forever. i mean, guys, we know what it's in store for them, look how much we've changed from when we were 6 and 7. i want to be there by their side, always, leading them in the right direction. i want to be there for them. because thats what they need. we're what they need. and theyre what we need. always.
love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love.
. it's times like these we need ____________________________________________.
we tend to die young
-third eye blind.
i have come back from a life changing experience and i dont want to forget a thing. have you ever felt so connected, so emotional over something? its just so entirely sacred you dont want to tell anyone about it, you want to keep it all to yourself because there is no way that any other person, your sister, your best friend, no one, could ever feel the same about something? thats how i feel. thats exactly how i feel. so much appreciation, i have this feeling, it's like, i can't even believe something could ever possibly effect me so much, and i want to tell the world thats it is possible to be changed, to have a whole new outlook on life. it is. it happens. it happend. but i want them to realize it themselves as well. i cant put anything into words right now. there are so many emotions i'm feeling right now i dont know where to begin.and i wont know where to end.
explain to me about god. everything you know about him and his work. explain to me the entire concept, and fill in the blanks. explain it from every possible angle or view you can think of, and then some. explain to, convince me, remind me. communicate with me and have him communicate with me as well. i want it all to click. and its so frusterating that its not. i want to feel so deeply about it i cry. i want to not be able to describe my feelings i want to want to hide what i know away, yet shout it out as loud i can. i dont feel it. all i am right now, is confused. ambivalent. on the edge. i want to jump right in, and i know that all i have to do is open the door and i'll be free falling, safely, in a world of answers, i wont be confused or frusterated anymore. and right now i'm in a world full of complications and misunderstandings. why cant i open that door? why? i just have to let go of my "old self" and let myself become someone else, someone better. i''m afraid of letting go though. i never saw a problem with who i was before everything started coming up,a nd suddenly this huge realization hit me: i'm not fine. i want to be fine, more than fine. what peopel need to realize, is that it is so unbelievabkly hard to let go of everything youve ever learned, been taught, realized about yourself, and put your trust completely in someone elses opinions of whats right, whats, true, and how everything should be. how can i make it easyer to change myself? i cant really, can i? i mean, thats cheating. asking for an easyer way. ugh, i'm sorry, i didnt mean to sound so selforiented. i just dont know. i dont know what i dont know about. i hate feeling this way, but i'm thankful that i've been taught so many things, talked to so many wonderful amazing people. to see so many peopel come together, so many different people with different backrounds and goals, yet they share the same basis, to see them come together for a common cause and feel so strongly, so perminetally, so wholely about something is incredible. i cant even explain the realization that hit me. i want to know i want to learn about this thing that can bring peple together like them, make them feel so unconfused, so sure. maybe this is the peace i've been looking for. maybe this is the thing that i need right now. somethign to spark my thinking, get me thinkig about who i really am, who i want to be. i dont want it to be nonsense. i dont want to trust something thats untrue. thats what im afraid of. i'm afraid of losing myself, getting a whole new self, and finding out that it;s not what i thought it was. that its not really the truth. i just want to know. and i cant pick and chose, thats wrong. very very wrong. i cant just decide i want to believe in this, and this, and this. i need to be either 100% in or 100% out. did you know that god created us humans so we could chose wether or not we believed in him? good idea. sort of. yet if we dont believe in him, we're doomed to hell? did you know that? do you realize that from my view, he's set us up for failure. he does NOT give us the option to live a happy, healthy life without believing in him, even though he makes it seem that way hwen he sayhs we were born to chose. but why is it so hard for me to accept that what i learned was what people thought and whats the truth is what i'm learning now? ahh. i believed in the theory of evolution, up intill it was questioned. but the thing is, theres proof, isnt there? read a text book, PROOF. there are samples, there is evidence. people say the bible is proof. but i dont know... thats all i have to go by, the bible could have been written by just anyone. poeple could ahve written it just so otheres would have an answer. just to put people out of the misery of confusion. its like brainwashing someone. but then again this really could be whats true, this could be what i've been wanting to hear. BUT HOW DO I KNOW? help me. i want to believe that this is the truth, and i want to believe. something in me is still clinging to the old version, the version i knew before i knew there were any other versions. i'll be reading the bible, get to me as soon as possible.
today i watched the news for the first time in months. and what was on it but something so utterly depressing, so drastic and sad i wanted to cry, right there, sitting with my dad in a booth at SPUD's for dinner in front of a bunch of strangers. and i would have too. but i didnt, because i wouldnt have been able to hear what the woman was saying through all the sobbing. there are peopel out there who need our help. my help. your help. and we can't do anything. i feel so helpless having them feel helpless. theyre dying out there. they hav eno food no water no home no medical care, they have no idea if theyre family is alive. could you imaigine what it would be like? the hurt deep down inside of you, the heart ache of not knowing if your seven year old daughter is safe, or even alive? and try as you might, it'll will take days, weeks maybe to find out. in the mean time you have no way of knowing whats being done to help you. there are people going around mugging from cvs stores not just because theres no poliece to enforce, but because thats the only way they can survive. it hits you when you see people who are helping out, who flew all the way down to new orleans and are volunteering for days at a time saving "woman and children". woman and children. having to hear those words, that theyre saving the woman and children, is heartbreaking. we as a society should never ever have to hear that there is ever a crisis where we'd need to save the woman and children. i want to go there right now. i want to hug every single person who is stuck 100's of miles away from their non-existent home. we need to all pull together. pull eachother through this. i hate not being able to comfort them. i want them to just know, to FEEL that we're here. we know whats going on. we know that despite the distance, the differeences, we're people too. dont you realize how much emotion and thought is being sparked becaues of this event? i felt the need to tape the news broadcast. not because its part of history, which it is, but because it is so important for us to see how desperate peopel are, how much lives can be altered by things we cant help, it's inevitable. you need to move out of the way or thats it. we need to accomodate things we cant stand, things we hate, things that have this wild potential to ruin us. i wanted to watch that tape over and over again. i dont know why exactly. but i felt like not only did i want to, i just NEEDED to. and i wanted to show the world. i wanted every single person to see what i saw, to realize what i realized, to want to help so bad they cry as i do. you need to know. and you need to know soon before its too late. before you dont see the full effect, because then you will never know. do you feel it? do you feel their emotions? i do. and you should too.
i feel so helpless over everything right now. i cant makedecisions anymore, i feel so burnt out from all of this thinking, yes, i does hurt, i can feel myself being drained of energy when i get so worked up over things, and crying always results in headaches. tears are stress leaving the body. remember that. works ending, schools tarting, summers ending, homeworks starting. but for me, i'm looking foward to school because i need a break of work so badly. i miss these kids already and i still have two more days with them. it hit me when i looked at a girl named lily today. she was standing in line with the brightest smile on her face holding a cup of chocoalte pudding, licking the chocolate covered spoon. it hit me how much she as all the other kids have an effect on you. they make you realize hwo important it is to be carefree and not worry so much. they make your day a little brighter. they havent progressed as much as we have, they have so much learning to do, and i want to make sure they learn whats right. i dont ever want them to have to deal with peer pressure, or worry. i want them to stay young forever. i mean, guys, we know what it's in store for them, look how much we've changed from when we were 6 and 7. i want to be there by their side, always, leading them in the right direction. i want to be there for them. because thats what they need. we're what they need. and theyre what we need. always.
love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love.
. it's times like these we need ____________________________________________.
// posted by RACH @ 10:21 PM 
