You're my sweet charade

I've lost sense of time and all seasons
I feel I've been beaten down
BY THE WORDS OF MEN WHO HAVE NO GROUNDS
I can't sleep beneath the trees of wisdom
When your ax has cut the roots that feed them
Forked tongues in bitter mouths
Can drive a man to BLEED FROM INSIDE OUT
What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?
I've seen the wicked fruit of your vine
Destroy the man who lacks a strong mind
HUMAN PRIDE SINGS A VENGEFUL SONG
INSPIRED BY THE TIMES YOU'VE BEEN WALKED ON
My stage is shared by many millions
Who lift their hands up high because they feel this
We are one We are strong
THE MORE YOU HOLD US DOWN THE MORE WE PRESS ON
What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?
I know I can't hold the hate inside my mind
'Cause WHAT COMSUMES YOUR THOUGHTS CONTROLS YOUR LIFE
So I'll just ask a question
A lonely simple question
I'll just ask one question
What if ?
What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?
What if your words could be judged like a crime?


thats such a powerful song. i love it dearly. by mi amor, creed.


there a hunger, a longing- to escape the life i live while i'm awake.



i feel so numb. like, i'm just walking through the motions of life, taking everything for granted and not doing anything about it. i have no idea why. i get these headaches and i cant even move my eyes without feeling this bolt of pain through my head. i hate it. i want to just, wake up. everything feels like this one big long dream lately, a really boring dream. i feel liek i want to do something drastic. i feel ike i have to.

so my mom is losing her mind, and i feel really bad. on our way to rockport yesterday she strateed flipping out in the car. i think she was trying not o cry. this, my friends, is whhy i dont want to be a mother when i grow up, i dont want to have a family, mainly, because it doesnt work. i mean, everything jsut seems soo stressful. and stress is just so uncomfortable. i can see what happens to people, to parents. its so tramatic. so i'm never going to put myself in a postistion where i'll be unhappy. it's unhealthy. i mean, whatas the point of trying to have this great wonderful family if its never going to work? whats the point of trying to get everything organized and consistent if its all going to backfire anyway? whats the point of trying to care for someone or something that doesn't do the same for you. whats the point of trying to make everyone happy if, in the end, everyone doesn't include you? things shouldnt be about compromising! they shouldnt be about taking the good with the bad! i dont care what anyone says, but its not right to sacrifice part of oyur life. this is your life we're talking about here. you only have one of them so make the best out of it for christs sake. if things arent working out, do something about it. and i dont mean make RULES and REGULATIONS and have penalties! try a whole new approach. what exactly? ii dont know. its so fun if every five seconds you have to look at a sheet of paper and check if this is something you can or can't do. life isn't about rules. in fact, its the opposite. the only ruesl who should need to know are the habitual ones, the natural ones: common sense. everythign gets so complicated when other things are all thrown in there. how about we make it UNcomplicated. we make it peaceful. because i am not going to ever be the type who will refer back to rules fore verything that i do. i refuse to do that. when i grow up, i don't even know if i'll ever get married. too much stress,. i'm telling ya, i've seen people die because their lives were so stressful. i've seen peopel go crazy, do drastic things: we all have. i refuse to put myself in a vulnerable position. i refuse to live through someone else. i refuse to abide by the decisions of another person. i refuse to yearn for something that's within my reach. i refuse to not put up a fight. i refuse to compromise. i refuse to witness other people screw their lives up. it tears my apart to see people unhappy, and even worse when i know it's myu fault. i never want to ever feel iek that, and i never ever want to put someone else in that same position. how do i do it? i'm asking for help. help me, please, i'm lost, i'm confused, i have no idea how to reach this peace i'm describing. i wish i did though.

i just want to start over. with everything. go back to day one and do everything differently. it's not that i have regrets, it's that i want to figure out what must be done for everything to be right. 100% right. an di know, this isn't it. i'm not trying to sound ungrateful, the thing is, i know everything that i have is a gift, i know that everything i have i should appreciate, it's not that i am ungrateful. it's almost that i don't know how to enjoy the things i have. i enjoy one or two of them. i want to figure out how things would hav ebeen different if i had done something else, chose the other door, door B, where woudl i be right now?

i have to think about some things, and clean up my room. oh yeah, thtas another thing, is it fair for someone to have restrictions put upon them if theyre room isnt clean? its my own space for christs sake. if i had a problem with it being dirty or messy or whatever, then i'd do something about it. you dont have to love it, but you dont have to nag me about it. so now i cant do anything if my room isn't clean. i can't even get a ride to school. what the fuck? i'll walk to school if need be, but i am not going to sit back and watch everythign get taken away from me just because theres some clothes or cd's on my floor. it's an organized mess, i swear.

time to pick up my room. time to get a life, and some more medicine cuz this headache is KILLLING me.

<3 yours, rachel