4.25.2005
i am so not in the mood
to even tell a joke right now
to even shed a smile for you.
it's been a long day and i havn't a clue what i'm doing online at 10:30 at night when i'd much ratherd be sleeping.
i'm afraid to wake up tomorrow. its kinda like how you never want to get up in the morning to face the day. except i'm taking it on egiant step further. i knwo that if i fall asleep i'm only setting myself up for that dissapointing thought. so, i am just going to stay up. why not? i mean, i dont have a big test or anything tomorrow. at least.. i dont think i do.
whatever. when life hits ya hard: write about it. thats my motto.
so i was being my usual reflective self a few minutes ago and i came across one of my most beloved entries. i'm going to copy and paste a section in here.
mind the spelling errors please.
congratulations america, you have just won the grand prize for being the most materialistic, rich, lazy, stuck up country in the world. how do you feel?
guilty? shameful? disgusted? embarrased? yeah... that's what i thought. we have to respect what we have. because if we dont respect it, then it is usless. either respect it, or let it go and send your good luck to someone who NEEDS it. we are greedy. if we want it, then we get it. by any means nesacerry. however, not exactly by any means. if it doesn't take too much effort, thats when we go for the gold. if it's out of reach and you're not flexible, then forget it. be flexible. be flexible with your mind and your spirit and our thoughts. think for once that you really can do anything, just like they told us in kindgergarden.
actually, let's go back to kindergarden for a second. when they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, what did we say? vet. doctor. teacher. artist. astronaut. we said these things because at age six, we were optimists. however when we got a taste of drama and saddness, we became pessimists. our pessimist selves began closing doors as the years went on. now, highschool students, our jobs are waitresses, fast food servers, babysitters, and pizza place workers. now, i am not saying for one second that these are lowly jobs. however, this is not the road we intended to be on when we were five and six year olds. if our kindergarden self were to say their opinion on our actions, what do you think they'd say? they would be crushed. their innocent, naieve minds would not be able to handle such a concept. this concept being that people loose hope and let their dreams swim around in the gutter. here we are, pitying ourselves when we bring upon our misery by giving into stress and anxiety and pressure. when we were little, we were blessed with an outlook on life that was clean, fresh, pure. whats your outlook right now? i hear to ofton storys of how a teen hates their mother or father for sheltering them or forbidding them to do things. why do you think they do this? our parents try to shelter us from the evil the world, not from the good. they don't want us to grow up to nothing. they have our dreams. those dreams that we lost hope in are still locked into thier minds. they know us as excited, happy, laughing six year olds who knew exactly what they wanted in life. they wanted to be happy. to be known. however, this greed for happyness turned us into dark unappreciate souls and has stretched into shaky terratory. now we want to be popular. because we feel the only way we will be happy is if we have everyones attention. sure we may not get the same kind of attention as we did when we were in kindergarden, but that does not mean that we dont get the attention. we want good, cool clothes. the only good, cool clothes are worn by the popluar people. if we wear the clothes we get the looks. to get the clothes we have to get the money. fall back on the parents just as we did before. we are using our youngminded ways to get what we want. we are smart. forceful. demanding. our parents want what is best for us. and when the opinions collide, so do insults and threats. we know it too. we know we can't depend on our parents forever. we have to live. but we cant live without happiness. we can't possibly live without the popularity, the cool clothes, the perfecty guy. of course not. being happy and carefree and simlpe is just... unheared of. look around you. we're having a crisis. look at you. look the mirrior. are you happy with what you see? are happy being stared at and judged by your own self? what are you unhappy with? your hair? your cheeks? your eyeshadow? your lipstick? no, those are perfect because you use the best of the best hair supplies and acne cream and makeup. you have to, or else you wouldn't get the attention. then why are you so sad? why do you feel liek you have to turn away, you can't bear to look at that pretty face of yours? is it because you know all of the pain and suffering that goes on behind that mask? that perfect mask of yours hides what you want, but holds the truth back. after being held back for so long, the truth just slips away. you forget who you are. who your friends are... or were. what can we do about this? are oyu happy not having your old life? you've completely changed your lifestyle to fit the likings of someone who doesn't even know you. people are cruel. they take advantage of the insecure. you are insecure. and you know it. you're frightened. are these people really your friends? will they be there for you through thick and thin? are you sure of this? you are risking everything. your happyness, your grades, your friendships, your relationships, your life. you are risking your life. risking your life is like handing someone your heart and saying "i don't care about what you do with this." your heart and soul. your spirt. mind. body. emotions. you are just asking to get in trouble. how does it feel to be in constant fear of someone finding the truth about who you really are. someone uncovering a path of lies that's never ending. how would you feel, if you were the person to uncover the lies of a "best friend"? a lifetime of untruthful promises, just waiting to end up in the gutter with all your lost dreams. i've just uncovered the emotions and concious sadness hiding behind that mask of yours. you're not alone you know, everyone tries to please and be pleased. shame, would be thinking your the only one. which you're not. nothign to be afria dof except for now, you know that some people jsut aren't going to liek you for who you are. and that's ok. you don't need all eyes on you. sure, a few or more would be nice. but not everyone. plus living int he spot light leads to insanity. perfectionism. eating disorders. stress. depression. so why take the risk int he first place? srue everyone does anyway, even if they do knwo the possible consequences in advance. it's like gambling, only instead of with money, it's with your happyness. i know plenty of poor people who are happy with what they have. because they don't feel like they have to have anything more, because it would be usless. why try to make youreslf more happy with the risk of dissapointement, when you're perfectly content? my friends, gambeling is not only in Las Vegas, but also in your mind. we gamble all the time. we bet. we lose. we win. but when you win, do you add to your collection? or do completely forget about all you had and begin a new life? do you leave your friends to fend for themselves when you just hit the jacpot? or do you bring them along for the ride of your lives? do you forget those most loyal to you because you plan to begin a new life? why rid of somethin that is constant. constant support, constant friendships, constant laughter. constant love. isn't that what we want? to be loved? to be appreciated? why be appreciated for something you aren't? they don't appreciate you. they appreciate your money. your clothes. your cars. your friends. you looks. but they do not appreciate you becaues they don't know you. why risk getting to know someone when they could be secretly insecure. they could be weak. they could be usure of everything. but ehy are our hearos. adn we want nothing to spiol that image, so we chose not to get to know them. we need stability in our lives. we can't handel people close to us not being alright. we need them to be ok.a nd to avioud the chance that they aren't, we refuse to let ourselves to get close to them..
i hope youre all in the mood for a little more ranting cuz i'm not done just yet.
i've been thinking recently about a lot of things. today when i walked into school i saw a bunch of drones walking around. whats the cool thing now? layers, tight jeans, low v-necks, straight long hair.
i got to thinking about the song flavor of the weak by american hi-fi. i bet most of us know it. no, i know its about a guy who is completely oblivious towards his girlfriend, and thats not what this is about at all. its more just about the title. i'm going to take it and apply it to something different. bear with me.
years later i look at myself
and smile at the pictures i see
here and now they sit on a shelf
theres one of mom and me.
at only age one i smiled a ton
and theres mom, sprouting a grin
could we have been having any more fun?
i remember she bought that pin.
though only a small insignificant piece
it now sure means a whole lot
the shirts now have some folds and a crease
those clothes for me, she bought
none of them fit, though i wish they would
if only i hadn't of grown
i'd squeeze into them- if only i could
and plus some need to be sewn
the birthday and christmas cards will fade
they used to look so new
as well as all those concerts i played
in the livingroom and at school
these memories will fade to dust
and scatter all throughout
and all the details will slowly rust
and bounce around about
no knows how much it meant
to recieve such a precious gift
not once did it ever get bent
my spirits it always did lift.
so now here i sit alone and alive
on the floor in my old room
trying not to shed a tear or cry
stairing up at the moon
cuz all i can think about
is this small hair pin
and us going out
into the bright city of lynn
and watching the birds
sing and fly around
and the one that landed
without a sound
onto the pin
in the city of lynn
on that sun shiny day
in the middle of may
ok so that wasnt where i was going with it at all. that all just sorta came out. ok i guess i'll give my other sermon another day. i kinda like the A B C B rythem and style, rather than the A B A B style. tell me what you think is better. and the reason that the last couple of stanzas dont have spaces between them: there isnt one. i jus figued i'd switch it up a bit.
ok well i have to go get chap stick still.
thank you, you-know-who.
to even shed a smile for you.
it's been a long day and i havn't a clue what i'm doing online at 10:30 at night when i'd much ratherd be sleeping.
i'm afraid to wake up tomorrow. its kinda like how you never want to get up in the morning to face the day. except i'm taking it on egiant step further. i knwo that if i fall asleep i'm only setting myself up for that dissapointing thought. so, i am just going to stay up. why not? i mean, i dont have a big test or anything tomorrow. at least.. i dont think i do.
whatever. when life hits ya hard: write about it. thats my motto.
so i was being my usual reflective self a few minutes ago and i came across one of my most beloved entries. i'm going to copy and paste a section in here.
mind the spelling errors please.
congratulations america, you have just won the grand prize for being the most materialistic, rich, lazy, stuck up country in the world. how do you feel?
guilty? shameful? disgusted? embarrased? yeah... that's what i thought. we have to respect what we have. because if we dont respect it, then it is usless. either respect it, or let it go and send your good luck to someone who NEEDS it. we are greedy. if we want it, then we get it. by any means nesacerry. however, not exactly by any means. if it doesn't take too much effort, thats when we go for the gold. if it's out of reach and you're not flexible, then forget it. be flexible. be flexible with your mind and your spirit and our thoughts. think for once that you really can do anything, just like they told us in kindgergarden.
actually, let's go back to kindergarden for a second. when they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, what did we say? vet. doctor. teacher. artist. astronaut. we said these things because at age six, we were optimists. however when we got a taste of drama and saddness, we became pessimists. our pessimist selves began closing doors as the years went on. now, highschool students, our jobs are waitresses, fast food servers, babysitters, and pizza place workers. now, i am not saying for one second that these are lowly jobs. however, this is not the road we intended to be on when we were five and six year olds. if our kindergarden self were to say their opinion on our actions, what do you think they'd say? they would be crushed. their innocent, naieve minds would not be able to handle such a concept. this concept being that people loose hope and let their dreams swim around in the gutter. here we are, pitying ourselves when we bring upon our misery by giving into stress and anxiety and pressure. when we were little, we were blessed with an outlook on life that was clean, fresh, pure. whats your outlook right now? i hear to ofton storys of how a teen hates their mother or father for sheltering them or forbidding them to do things. why do you think they do this? our parents try to shelter us from the evil the world, not from the good. they don't want us to grow up to nothing. they have our dreams. those dreams that we lost hope in are still locked into thier minds. they know us as excited, happy, laughing six year olds who knew exactly what they wanted in life. they wanted to be happy. to be known. however, this greed for happyness turned us into dark unappreciate souls and has stretched into shaky terratory. now we want to be popular. because we feel the only way we will be happy is if we have everyones attention. sure we may not get the same kind of attention as we did when we were in kindergarden, but that does not mean that we dont get the attention. we want good, cool clothes. the only good, cool clothes are worn by the popluar people. if we wear the clothes we get the looks. to get the clothes we have to get the money. fall back on the parents just as we did before. we are using our youngminded ways to get what we want. we are smart. forceful. demanding. our parents want what is best for us. and when the opinions collide, so do insults and threats. we know it too. we know we can't depend on our parents forever. we have to live. but we cant live without happiness. we can't possibly live without the popularity, the cool clothes, the perfecty guy. of course not. being happy and carefree and simlpe is just... unheared of. look around you. we're having a crisis. look at you. look the mirrior. are you happy with what you see? are happy being stared at and judged by your own self? what are you unhappy with? your hair? your cheeks? your eyeshadow? your lipstick? no, those are perfect because you use the best of the best hair supplies and acne cream and makeup. you have to, or else you wouldn't get the attention. then why are you so sad? why do you feel liek you have to turn away, you can't bear to look at that pretty face of yours? is it because you know all of the pain and suffering that goes on behind that mask? that perfect mask of yours hides what you want, but holds the truth back. after being held back for so long, the truth just slips away. you forget who you are. who your friends are... or were. what can we do about this? are oyu happy not having your old life? you've completely changed your lifestyle to fit the likings of someone who doesn't even know you. people are cruel. they take advantage of the insecure. you are insecure. and you know it. you're frightened. are these people really your friends? will they be there for you through thick and thin? are you sure of this? you are risking everything. your happyness, your grades, your friendships, your relationships, your life. you are risking your life. risking your life is like handing someone your heart and saying "i don't care about what you do with this." your heart and soul. your spirt. mind. body. emotions. you are just asking to get in trouble. how does it feel to be in constant fear of someone finding the truth about who you really are. someone uncovering a path of lies that's never ending. how would you feel, if you were the person to uncover the lies of a "best friend"? a lifetime of untruthful promises, just waiting to end up in the gutter with all your lost dreams. i've just uncovered the emotions and concious sadness hiding behind that mask of yours. you're not alone you know, everyone tries to please and be pleased. shame, would be thinking your the only one. which you're not. nothign to be afria dof except for now, you know that some people jsut aren't going to liek you for who you are. and that's ok. you don't need all eyes on you. sure, a few or more would be nice. but not everyone. plus living int he spot light leads to insanity. perfectionism. eating disorders. stress. depression. so why take the risk int he first place? srue everyone does anyway, even if they do knwo the possible consequences in advance. it's like gambling, only instead of with money, it's with your happyness. i know plenty of poor people who are happy with what they have. because they don't feel like they have to have anything more, because it would be usless. why try to make youreslf more happy with the risk of dissapointement, when you're perfectly content? my friends, gambeling is not only in Las Vegas, but also in your mind. we gamble all the time. we bet. we lose. we win. but when you win, do you add to your collection? or do completely forget about all you had and begin a new life? do you leave your friends to fend for themselves when you just hit the jacpot? or do you bring them along for the ride of your lives? do you forget those most loyal to you because you plan to begin a new life? why rid of somethin that is constant. constant support, constant friendships, constant laughter. constant love. isn't that what we want? to be loved? to be appreciated? why be appreciated for something you aren't? they don't appreciate you. they appreciate your money. your clothes. your cars. your friends. you looks. but they do not appreciate you becaues they don't know you. why risk getting to know someone when they could be secretly insecure. they could be weak. they could be usure of everything. but ehy are our hearos. adn we want nothing to spiol that image, so we chose not to get to know them. we need stability in our lives. we can't handel people close to us not being alright. we need them to be ok.a nd to avioud the chance that they aren't, we refuse to let ourselves to get close to them..
i hope youre all in the mood for a little more ranting cuz i'm not done just yet.
i've been thinking recently about a lot of things. today when i walked into school i saw a bunch of drones walking around. whats the cool thing now? layers, tight jeans, low v-necks, straight long hair.
i got to thinking about the song flavor of the weak by american hi-fi. i bet most of us know it. no, i know its about a guy who is completely oblivious towards his girlfriend, and thats not what this is about at all. its more just about the title. i'm going to take it and apply it to something different. bear with me.
years later i look at myself
and smile at the pictures i see
here and now they sit on a shelf
theres one of mom and me.
at only age one i smiled a ton
and theres mom, sprouting a grin
could we have been having any more fun?
i remember she bought that pin.
though only a small insignificant piece
it now sure means a whole lot
the shirts now have some folds and a crease
those clothes for me, she bought
none of them fit, though i wish they would
if only i hadn't of grown
i'd squeeze into them- if only i could
and plus some need to be sewn
the birthday and christmas cards will fade
they used to look so new
as well as all those concerts i played
in the livingroom and at school
these memories will fade to dust
and scatter all throughout
and all the details will slowly rust
and bounce around about
no knows how much it meant
to recieve such a precious gift
not once did it ever get bent
my spirits it always did lift.
so now here i sit alone and alive
on the floor in my old room
trying not to shed a tear or cry
stairing up at the moon
cuz all i can think about
is this small hair pin
and us going out
into the bright city of lynn
and watching the birds
sing and fly around
and the one that landed
without a sound
onto the pin
in the city of lynn
on that sun shiny day
in the middle of may
ok so that wasnt where i was going with it at all. that all just sorta came out. ok i guess i'll give my other sermon another day. i kinda like the A B C B rythem and style, rather than the A B A B style. tell me what you think is better. and the reason that the last couple of stanzas dont have spaces between them: there isnt one. i jus figued i'd switch it up a bit.
ok well i have to go get chap stick still.
thank you, you-know-who.
// posted by RACH @ 10:31 PM 
