1.17.2005
i've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
so much more aware
have you ever felt like you just have to cry? to just let it all out because your going to blow up? we'll i'm blowing up right now. the folling nonsense is my explosion. i advise you now that what your are going to read ( if you chose to) is me complainging baout mylife and being depressed, so turn back now.
i jsut don tknow what im doing. i have so many emotions right now and i dont know where they are coming from. at all. now, before i begin, i'll have you know this is not pms or anything, its just me trying to come to terms with a series of unfortunate circumstances. this is me sober and just, being myself, not from some monthly thing. i'm just being honest. about a month ago i found abotu about some things that haunted me. to this day i cant stop thinking about it. im not going to say anything, but in two days tomorrow it'll be exactly one month ago. but have you ever felt like you know someone really well? you just know them. you kmnow what they like. what they hate. no secrets, hands down, KNOW them. know who they are, how the y feel, how they think. and then you just get an idea of how they're supposed to be in your head. youhave these expectations, and they are completely fair because you made the expectations afer you got to know them. so its ok. irts alright to assume things and everything. but then you find out about things? things that you dont care for. things you cant understand or even comprehend. and you wonder who this person REALLY is. i mean, if you have and idea and find out theres more, it completely shatters EVERYTHING. you dont know who they are anymore. you THOUGHT you knew.and its not like, sometihng NEW. its that they;ve been like this all along and you never knew aboutit., if it was sudden that that'd be differnt. but to realize thats theres MORE, is just... devastating. and then you tak einto consideration what the secret eally IS. and that makes it all the more complicated. someing bad. gross. wierd. uncomfortable. yet, is it fair to change them? because like i said, this is not new, this is them, just a kayer that you had never uncovered untill now. is it fair to them to just come in and stopthem from doing something, to stop them from feeling a certain way? i want to be able to feel comfortable around people. everyone does! its jut the human way. i want to feel like i can trust this person, that i know i can confide in them ANYTHING. that i know things about them, the good and the bad. but i dont want to know about this. or do i? im a hypocrite, i want to know everything, but not this. i want you to be youself, but i dont want you to be like that. the question is.. what do i do? do i la out my guildlines before them? do i say "this is what i like, this is what i dont"? i have a big problem with trying to change people. because if you cvant tell form my other netries, i try to stress for people to be themself. and if some people don tike it, then deal with it. im very passionate about this topic. i feel very strongly that people should be themselves no matter WHAT. that they shouldnt care what other people think. that is why i feel like i have no control, i dont have the right to do anything about this. i can't tell you about it. i'm too.. well.. i just can't. it would KILL other people. i just would. and i would be the blame. but i jsut dont knwo what yto do. tell me now, say you have a list of pros and cons. and theres about 20 things on the pros side, and abut 10 on the cons side. thats a good thing right? however, on the cons side are you greatest pet peeves, things that you are not comfortable with, things that you never picstured this person to have anything to do with. do those few cons over rule all of those pros? i mean.. really.. do you just look at numbers, or do you look at the context. really examine things. and if you do decide that this is nothte kind of person you want to be close with, or feel comfortable with, do you leave them? or do you suck it up and deal with it? do you compromise? compromise... such an interesting concept. take the good with the bad. this is what i talk about. take the good people with the bad. the good chioces with the regretfull ones. but now that i think about it, and feel like really complaing and crying, which i am currently doing, i realize how retarted all of this sounds. why the fucking hell do itry to preach and share my ideas when i myself am a hypocrtie? i dont understand myself anymore. do i want world pease/ or do i want ot give up? i want ot give up. i dont want to have to put myself throught his anymore. if this is myself doubting the ideas that i so frequently feel, then how are the people feeling that NEVER udnerstand my ideas? i must seem like a total nutcase to them/ i am a total nutcase. there you have it. i have no idea what i wan tin life, where i want it from, who i want it from, or why i want it. or why i dont want it, or dont knwo what i want. i wish i could just have a clear moment in my head for 2 seconds. thats al i ask. i hate feeling like i have to look out for everyone. i mean.. they have other friends. they have family. they have things that are nesecary! why do i feel like i have to be there for support? why? because i... i don't know. i just don't. and i dont like this whole notknowingwhatsgoingonorhowievenFEEL thing. i dont like it at all. but in order to figrue things out i need TIME. i need space. but i cant do this on my own. i need my friends. i dont want to hear some of thier opinions.. i dont want to hear " i dont know what you should do." if i just poured my heart and soul otu to you i expect a littl more than a "good luck with your prblems." i need a hug. a kiss. a ANYTHING. i dont even KNOW what i need. heck, do i even need any of this? am i mistaking it for what i want? i cant believ ei am doubting myself again. this always happens. you'd neve rknow though. i dont like for people to know when i feel down; so why the hell am i telling you all of this? omg. i should just earse alll of this right now. everyone is totalyl going to think i amcrazy. there just going to think im insane. ihave to stop this. omg i so have to stop this. but then again.. since when do i care what people think? omg i hate this fusking indecision. wtf is WRONG. i dont want to go away because i will miss everyone. but i'm sick of everyone too! even those closest to me. i am so not going to get a psyciatrist. no more of those. of yeah i guess you didnt know, i have one in sixth grade. SUPRISE. im not so perfect. i cry. i have mood swings. i hate you and i love you at the same time. i have indecision. i have no friends that know everything about me. i have people that think they know everything about me, yet they dont. and they dont knwo that. and i feel guilty. but if i say they dont knwo everything that doesnt mean im going to tell them anything they dont knwo alreadyk, so bcasicalyl they know everything they ever will know. sure people know little pieces of me. i'll dish out things every once and a while. but no one knows the whole story. and i hate that. i hate how i feel ike i cant tell people stuff. i hate every last feeling of sadness and depression and frustration that i ever had and do have. i know so many people that deserve to knwo things about me. but i just cant bring myself to do it/ is it cuz i think theyre not trustworthy? no.. thats not it. i lvoe them all. so why cant i talk to them? why cant i tell them what is really going on. im, not supposed ot care what they think of me, so why cant i scream it out at the top of my lungs. what is holding me back? indecision. the root of everything. every fucking thing in my fucking life. wow i dont usualyl swear like this. i hate swearing. its not because of the words and everything, its becuase i am a REALY emotional person and when people swear i feel really really uncomfortable because i am afraid of other peoples emotions. i am someone who is afraid of going in. but i love peopel feeling liek they can tell me anything; because tey can. because i can realte to eeeryone. every single person there is. i know death. pain. beauty. pressure. problems. feelings. sensativity. divorice. disease. i know the feeling of suicide. i have given up and lost hope so many times in my life it is unbelieveable. uncomprehensible. and i dont ever want to revist those times. those times where i didn't have any friends. any grades. anyone who knew anything, not even one thing about who i really was. and i was so sick of trying to be someone else that i didnt know who i was. i didnt even know my PAST. i mean, you should know about things shouldnt you? and i try to be strong, i really do, i try to be strong for myself. and i try to be strong for other people. but im just not. i overestimate how much i can take. and just laod it on. its my own fault. no ones elses and i KNOW it. i just do. is it because i want people toi like me? i want peopel to think of me a certain way? as a carefree, optimistic, trustworthy person? i DONT KNOW. i thought i didnt want tobe looked at a certain way! iu thought i didnt CARE about things. but now i am not so sure. i just want to fall asleep and never ever wake up again, but neveer have that feeling of regret or of loss. i know all of this is impossible. i know it is. i feel like such a pessimist right now. i am a pessimist. ok, enough of that "i feel" "i am" shit. im sick of it. ugh. im so sick of myself. god i canty belive i am ACTUALYL COMPLAINING! where the hell did this come from? everyting i write frusterates me even more because even if i think about things fir a while, i neverknow how to explain them, and espress things. and that kills me. its killing me. softly. slowly. painfully. everything with a LY at he end. thats how it is. i knwo people feel this way too. i just do. i udnerstand you. buti dont fee like you understand me, even when you say you do.
i have to go die. actually, sorry, i am dead. i died the minute i felt frusterated with myself. well, so then i actually am going to go pray to a god that im not even sure if i believe in because he puts me through this misery.
thank you for thinking you understand me. well, actually maybe you do understand what i tell you. i mean, you dont understnad ME cuz im not good and explainging myself. maybe you understand the person i present myself as. but no, not me. never me
with reoccuring frusterating thoughts, secretly knowing shes insane, and 8 cuts from her fucking razor yesterday while she was shaving,
rachel ihatemyselfcurrently miller.
I've become so tired
so much more aware
have you ever felt like you just have to cry? to just let it all out because your going to blow up? we'll i'm blowing up right now. the folling nonsense is my explosion. i advise you now that what your are going to read ( if you chose to) is me complainging baout mylife and being depressed, so turn back now.
i jsut don tknow what im doing. i have so many emotions right now and i dont know where they are coming from. at all. now, before i begin, i'll have you know this is not pms or anything, its just me trying to come to terms with a series of unfortunate circumstances. this is me sober and just, being myself, not from some monthly thing. i'm just being honest. about a month ago i found abotu about some things that haunted me. to this day i cant stop thinking about it. im not going to say anything, but in two days tomorrow it'll be exactly one month ago. but have you ever felt like you know someone really well? you just know them. you kmnow what they like. what they hate. no secrets, hands down, KNOW them. know who they are, how the y feel, how they think. and then you just get an idea of how they're supposed to be in your head. youhave these expectations, and they are completely fair because you made the expectations afer you got to know them. so its ok. irts alright to assume things and everything. but then you find out about things? things that you dont care for. things you cant understand or even comprehend. and you wonder who this person REALLY is. i mean, if you have and idea and find out theres more, it completely shatters EVERYTHING. you dont know who they are anymore. you THOUGHT you knew.and its not like, sometihng NEW. its that they;ve been like this all along and you never knew aboutit., if it was sudden that that'd be differnt. but to realize thats theres MORE, is just... devastating. and then you tak einto consideration what the secret eally IS. and that makes it all the more complicated. someing bad. gross. wierd. uncomfortable. yet, is it fair to change them? because like i said, this is not new, this is them, just a kayer that you had never uncovered untill now. is it fair to them to just come in and stopthem from doing something, to stop them from feeling a certain way? i want to be able to feel comfortable around people. everyone does! its jut the human way. i want to feel like i can trust this person, that i know i can confide in them ANYTHING. that i know things about them, the good and the bad. but i dont want to know about this. or do i? im a hypocrite, i want to know everything, but not this. i want you to be youself, but i dont want you to be like that. the question is.. what do i do? do i la out my guildlines before them? do i say "this is what i like, this is what i dont"? i have a big problem with trying to change people. because if you cvant tell form my other netries, i try to stress for people to be themself. and if some people don tike it, then deal with it. im very passionate about this topic. i feel very strongly that people should be themselves no matter WHAT. that they shouldnt care what other people think. that is why i feel like i have no control, i dont have the right to do anything about this. i can't tell you about it. i'm too.. well.. i just can't. it would KILL other people. i just would. and i would be the blame. but i jsut dont knwo what yto do. tell me now, say you have a list of pros and cons. and theres about 20 things on the pros side, and abut 10 on the cons side. thats a good thing right? however, on the cons side are you greatest pet peeves, things that you are not comfortable with, things that you never picstured this person to have anything to do with. do those few cons over rule all of those pros? i mean.. really.. do you just look at numbers, or do you look at the context. really examine things. and if you do decide that this is nothte kind of person you want to be close with, or feel comfortable with, do you leave them? or do you suck it up and deal with it? do you compromise? compromise... such an interesting concept. take the good with the bad. this is what i talk about. take the good people with the bad. the good chioces with the regretfull ones. but now that i think about it, and feel like really complaing and crying, which i am currently doing, i realize how retarted all of this sounds. why the fucking hell do itry to preach and share my ideas when i myself am a hypocrtie? i dont understand myself anymore. do i want world pease/ or do i want ot give up? i want ot give up. i dont want to have to put myself throught his anymore. if this is myself doubting the ideas that i so frequently feel, then how are the people feeling that NEVER udnerstand my ideas? i must seem like a total nutcase to them/ i am a total nutcase. there you have it. i have no idea what i wan tin life, where i want it from, who i want it from, or why i want it. or why i dont want it, or dont knwo what i want. i wish i could just have a clear moment in my head for 2 seconds. thats al i ask. i hate feeling like i have to look out for everyone. i mean.. they have other friends. they have family. they have things that are nesecary! why do i feel like i have to be there for support? why? because i... i don't know. i just don't. and i dont like this whole notknowingwhatsgoingonorhowievenFEEL thing. i dont like it at all. but in order to figrue things out i need TIME. i need space. but i cant do this on my own. i need my friends. i dont want to hear some of thier opinions.. i dont want to hear " i dont know what you should do." if i just poured my heart and soul otu to you i expect a littl more than a "good luck with your prblems." i need a hug. a kiss. a ANYTHING. i dont even KNOW what i need. heck, do i even need any of this? am i mistaking it for what i want? i cant believ ei am doubting myself again. this always happens. you'd neve rknow though. i dont like for people to know when i feel down; so why the hell am i telling you all of this? omg. i should just earse alll of this right now. everyone is totalyl going to think i amcrazy. there just going to think im insane. ihave to stop this. omg i so have to stop this. but then again.. since when do i care what people think? omg i hate this fusking indecision. wtf is WRONG. i dont want to go away because i will miss everyone. but i'm sick of everyone too! even those closest to me. i am so not going to get a psyciatrist. no more of those. of yeah i guess you didnt know, i have one in sixth grade. SUPRISE. im not so perfect. i cry. i have mood swings. i hate you and i love you at the same time. i have indecision. i have no friends that know everything about me. i have people that think they know everything about me, yet they dont. and they dont knwo that. and i feel guilty. but if i say they dont knwo everything that doesnt mean im going to tell them anything they dont knwo alreadyk, so bcasicalyl they know everything they ever will know. sure people know little pieces of me. i'll dish out things every once and a while. but no one knows the whole story. and i hate that. i hate how i feel ike i cant tell people stuff. i hate every last feeling of sadness and depression and frustration that i ever had and do have. i know so many people that deserve to knwo things about me. but i just cant bring myself to do it/ is it cuz i think theyre not trustworthy? no.. thats not it. i lvoe them all. so why cant i talk to them? why cant i tell them what is really going on. im, not supposed ot care what they think of me, so why cant i scream it out at the top of my lungs. what is holding me back? indecision. the root of everything. every fucking thing in my fucking life. wow i dont usualyl swear like this. i hate swearing. its not because of the words and everything, its becuase i am a REALY emotional person and when people swear i feel really really uncomfortable because i am afraid of other peoples emotions. i am someone who is afraid of going in. but i love peopel feeling liek they can tell me anything; because tey can. because i can realte to eeeryone. every single person there is. i know death. pain. beauty. pressure. problems. feelings. sensativity. divorice. disease. i know the feeling of suicide. i have given up and lost hope so many times in my life it is unbelieveable. uncomprehensible. and i dont ever want to revist those times. those times where i didn't have any friends. any grades. anyone who knew anything, not even one thing about who i really was. and i was so sick of trying to be someone else that i didnt know who i was. i didnt even know my PAST. i mean, you should know about things shouldnt you? and i try to be strong, i really do, i try to be strong for myself. and i try to be strong for other people. but im just not. i overestimate how much i can take. and just laod it on. its my own fault. no ones elses and i KNOW it. i just do. is it because i want people toi like me? i want peopel to think of me a certain way? as a carefree, optimistic, trustworthy person? i DONT KNOW. i thought i didnt want tobe looked at a certain way! iu thought i didnt CARE about things. but now i am not so sure. i just want to fall asleep and never ever wake up again, but neveer have that feeling of regret or of loss. i know all of this is impossible. i know it is. i feel like such a pessimist right now. i am a pessimist. ok, enough of that "i feel" "i am" shit. im sick of it. ugh. im so sick of myself. god i canty belive i am ACTUALYL COMPLAINING! where the hell did this come from? everyting i write frusterates me even more because even if i think about things fir a while, i neverknow how to explain them, and espress things. and that kills me. its killing me. softly. slowly. painfully. everything with a LY at he end. thats how it is. i knwo people feel this way too. i just do. i udnerstand you. buti dont fee like you understand me, even when you say you do.
i have to go die. actually, sorry, i am dead. i died the minute i felt frusterated with myself. well, so then i actually am going to go pray to a god that im not even sure if i believe in because he puts me through this misery.
thank you for thinking you understand me. well, actually maybe you do understand what i tell you. i mean, you dont understnad ME cuz im not good and explainging myself. maybe you understand the person i present myself as. but no, not me. never me
with reoccuring frusterating thoughts, secretly knowing shes insane, and 8 cuts from her fucking razor yesterday while she was shaving,
rachel ihatemyselfcurrently miller.
// posted by RACH @ 3:56 AM 
